Life can be hard if you’re an introvert or if you struggle with social anxiety. College can be an especially difficult time–there are a ton of changes, you don’t have your usual privacy, and you have to suddenly make friends all over again. While shyness and introversion don’t always go together, they often are linked. It can be incredibly frustrating! If this sounds like you, keep reading for some practical tips for overcoming shyness in college.
1. Take Small Steps–Start with Your Dorm
While the social scene in college can be overwhelming, partly because of the vast amount of opportunities, your dorm is always a great place to start. One of the easiest tips to help you in your journey toward overcoming shyness in college is simply to leave your door open. This signals to other people that it’s okay to pop in, and it’s an easy way to make conversation. I can’t tell you the number of times that I stopped by a friend’s room to say hi or that one of them walked into mine. It’s not hard, but it is effective.
Additionally, your dorm is a good place to meet others. Whether it’s your neighbors, your roommates’ friends, or people in the elevator, you’re constantly running into new people. There are tons of opportunities to meet them in group environments too: a common room, a study group, a kitchen situation…basically any place where people congregate will help. It provides for a relaxed and natural setting, and that’s a great place to start.
2. Don’t Turn Down Invitations
It can be tempting to say no, especially when you’re nervous. If you’re set on overcoming shyness in college, however, you need to make some changes. One of these is to not reject people’s invitations.
You probably receive more invitations than you realize. A friend asks you to grab dinner in the cafeteria. A roommate asks if you want to study together. Your RA invites you to a floor event. All of these represent potential opportunities to meet people. Even better, all of these allow you to practice getting out of your room with someone you already know. This gives you some peace of mind as you go into the new situation, as you have at least one known variable.
There will always be times that you don’t feel like going out, and sometimes you just can’t. In order to beat that shyness, however, challenge yourself to say “yes” whenever possible.
3. Set Your Own Realistic Goals Every Week
You’ll only improve if you buy into it.
If you don’t feel that you have a stake in what you’re doing, you’re not going to take huge steps toward overcoming shyness in college. On the other hand, if you set overly ambitious goals, you’re going to feel like you’re failing, and you’ll lose confidence.
The remedy is setting realistic goals. Each week, give yourself one goal to meet. It should be small, and it should build off of what you’ve already accomplished. For example, if you went to a mixer last week and met someone, make this week’s goal to reach out. If you’ve noticed that you haven’t left your dorm much, make it a goal to do your homework somewhere else at least three times this week.
Whatever your goal is, make it specific and relevant to you. I talk about SMART goals and goal setting here if you’re interested in learning more.
4. Join Clubs and Social Groups
While this does not mean that you need to go out and join a fraternity or sorority, it does mean that you should see what social options your school has. Schools usually have a club rush once or twice a year. This is a great chance to see what clubs exist at your school. It’s also a great opportunity to meet people!
Clubs are an easier way to do this for a few reasons. First, they’re centered around a shared interest (even better if they’re centered around your major!). This immediately gives you something to talk about. Next, they’re usually not super big. This lets you get to know people in a less intimidating context. Finally, their entire purpose is inherently social, so they will facilitate things for you!
Colleges are usually overflowing with clubs, some of them so random that you can only wonder how they came into existence. If you want to get an idea of what exists, your university probably has a club directory online with some information about clubs and their contact. Remember–if you show up to try out a club once or twice, it is not a lifetime commitment.
5. Embrace Your Listening Skills
Introverts and shy people usually get used to listening.
This isn’t always because we want to. Often, it’s because we’re spoken over and we don’t want others to feel the same way. However, this is a critical skill when it comes to overcoming shyness in college.
The biggest social tip I ever learned was that people love to talk about themselves. They love it. And the funny thing? If you allow them to talk about themselves, they’ll generally remember your conversation more fondly. It’s a social hack that doesn’t fail. So lean into this–ask questions, find interest in their life, and look for similarities. Take advantage of psychology to help yourself gain confidence.
6. Visualize/Rehearse Ahead of Time
For some of us, most of the actual shyness comes from anxiety. What if I say the wrong thing? What if I do the wrong thing and look like an idiot? Will I not belong with these people?
These were all worries I had at various points in time, and to be honest, I still do sometimes. One trick that has been useful for me has been to visualize ahead of time. To do this, I like to picture myself in the situation itself. What does it look like? Who is there? What are some potential conversation topics?
Once I’ve done this, I like to think of some potential talking points or actions I could take. For example, if it’s a party where I only know one person, I can plan to find that person first. Maybe I’ll ask them to introduce me to some other people they know. Or–and this works pretty often–I can compliment something that someone has on and start a conversation with them. If you see something that you have in common with them (same school, similar sport, related majors), this is even better!
Try to come up with at least three topics that you could potentially work in. To prepare yourself for the worst, have an exit strategy in mind. While planning ahead might not complete eradicate the stress of a new situation, it is key to overcoming shyness in college because it allows you to feel prepared, and thus feel more confident.
7. Utilize Apps or Group Chats
It’s easier to be bold over media. This is why there are so many cyberbullies. However, it’s also a great opportunity for you.
Chances are good that your dorm, floor, wing, class, or something else has a group chat. All you need is one group chat to start making connections. Voice your thoughts, answer questions, and help people out. Even if you don’t directly ask someone to hang out via social media or group chat, these actions will help to get your name out there.
However, this can also be a good opportunity to do things your way. During the pandemic, I was often the one who started group chats for my classes. This helped my classmates to get to know me. In one of my English classes, I took it a step further and asked if anyone would be interested in starting a book club. I was pleasantly surprised at how many other people wanted something like this but had been too shy to ask! You never know what other people might want until you ask.
And if you flop, you can always say you meant it for another group chat.
8. See What Your School Offers
Your school probably has a lot of resources that can help you in your journey to overcome your shyness. First and foremost, look for any socials or mixers. Especially toward the beginning of the year, schools generally plan events for students to meet each other. Take advantage of these!
Additionally, see if there are any academic or career-geared options. What does the career center recommend that you do to be prepared for a job? This can be a great way to meet people, get out of your comfort zone, and get some useful skills. Is there a leadership certificate? This is something that I did at SDSU and enjoyed. It helped me to meet a ton of new people and gain confidence through experience-based learning. If that feels like a “safer” way to break out of your shell, I highly recommend it.
Finally, I recommend seeing what resources your school has. Overcoming shyness in college is much easier when you’re getting support from your institution! From events for new students to counseling to student government, there should be many opportunities to help you get involved on campus.
9. Keep Pushing Yourself
It can be tempting to give up after one setback. However, overcoming shyness in college won’t just happen by itself. It will take work over those four years, and you need to keep pushing yourself. Slowly, the social situations will become less scary, and you will have the confidence of what you have achieved to support you. Once you meet one goal, set another. Keep making connections and cherishing the ones that you have. You’ll thank yourself in the future.
10. Give Yourself Grace
Finally, you need to remember to give yourself some grace and gentleness. It isn’t easy to do things that are outside your comfort zone. As stated above, overcoming shyness in college does become easier as time goes on. That isn’t to say that there won’t be difficult sometimes. Everyone feels socially awkward at times–and I mean everyone. There’s no reason to beat yourself up over it.
Whenever you face a setback, take a breath and remind yourself of how far you’ve come. Even if you take a step back, you’ve taken so many steps forward that you’re still ahead of where you started. That in and of itself is something to celebrate.
A Final Word
Overcoming shyness in college does not come without its challenges. It can be intimidating to put yourself out there. However, you should acknowledge that you are not alone. Almost everyone faces some degree of anxiety over this! Additionally, no matter what your style is, there is some way to break out of your shell, step by step. From utilizing group chats and virtual options to taking advantage of school resources to setting goals for yourself, you can set yourself up for a path of improvement. What else helps you to overcome your shyness? Let me know!
Photo credit: Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash
