Something that never ceases to amaze me is how much life has changed over the last 15 years–and how fast it happened. Specifically, I look at our relationships and lack of connection today, and it astounds me how these habits and very ideas of what connection means have shifted within a single generation.
We obviously have an easy culprit: phones, and by extension, social media. Before I get into my thoughts, I want to clarify that this isn’t me railing against technology or social networking. There are a lot of good things that have come with social media and the widespread accessibility of technology. We now have an incredible amount of information easily, and we can spread that quickly as well. For people like me whose friends are spread throughout the world, having an easy way to stay in touch is invaluable.
This, as well as the Catch 22 nature of social media, is well known. I’m not trying to challenge or debate that here. At this point, pretty much all of us know that there are positives and negatives.
Yet the Impact Is Incredible
I think that it’s almost difficult to comprehend how much things have changed over the past few years. If we look at it, Tik Tok and the idea of short-form videos only really got big in 2020. Malls were still social hubs, even 10-15 years ago; now, due to both economic (online stores and increased prices) and habitual (social media and the rise of virtual relationships) factors, they are declining rapidly. Millennials were the first to really use text, and it was only the second half of Gen Z that can’t remember a world without most of our modern connection technology.
Technology and a Lack of Connection Today
There’s the argument that there isn’t a real lack of connection today, but rather an evolution in how we connect. While I do agree that connection has changed, I definitely think that we’re living in a world where we have more options but less genuine connection.
I think often of Ed Sheeran. He decided in 2015 to go without a smartphone, even writing a song about it. The motive was simple: he wanted to improve his mental health and not have the pressure of responding to everyone. He wanted to move from having too many contacts and a lack of connection (real connection, that is) to creating meaningful interactions.
My Story
In some ways, his story connects closely to my own. Up until 2022, I didn’t have any social media other than Pinterest and YouTube, which I hardly used. I’d seen how it affected my friends and family members, and I had no desire to fall down that FOMO, time wasting wormhole. Then, when I began this website, I wanted to create an Instagram account for it, and I, too, fell down the wormhole of wasting time through reels and using it to connect to my friends.
Again, I want to reiterate that Instagram in particular has been incredibly useful to connect with people. Growing up, I moved around the country constantly, and I lost contact with so many people. The only people from high school and college who I keep in contact with are ones who I was close friends with, as I didn’t have social media back then. Now, as my friends become an increasingly international group, it is so lovely to be able to feel close to them still and be able to reach out.
The Dark Side
Yet I have also noticed alarming side effects. I spend way more time on my phone, justified as “letting my brain unwind” after a difficult day at work. My memory and focus are worse than they were three years ago. I check my notifications more. My outlook is decisively more pessimistic and defeatist after engaging with social media, and my skepticism toward humanity has grown immensely after seeing some of the awful/ridiculous/misleading things that people post or support. When I take breaks from social media, I notice a near immediate improvement in my mood.
I consider deleting it, and I know that I’d be happier if I did that. On the other hand, as I’ve mentioned, it unfortunately is also one of the best ways to engage with people not in my immediate proximity. It’s just such an easy wormhole to slide into.
It’s Not Unique
I’m far from the only person I know that’s in this quagmire. My friends and I talk about this often, and from our group, I know that various countries on at least four continents are basically living the same reality. When we consider children, or when I think back to my experience teaching students ranging in age from 9-19, it’s even more terrifying to see how this lack of connection and new idea of socialization manifests.
The “Public Persona,” Validation, and the Effort Factor
One of the biggest contributions to the lack of connection today is the idea of what it means to connect. In my opinion, this comes down to three things: the idea of having a public persona, the need for validation, and the effort factor.
The Public Persona
We have all heard the horror stories of people regretting their social media activity or being bullied virtually. There are definitely good lessons learned: be mindful about your digital footprint, not everything has to go online, and be nice to people. However, there are also some negative takeaways.
Before, unless you were a celebrity or a powerful figure, you generally only had to worry about the judgment of the people physically around you. If you made a mistake or did something stupid, it might feel like the end of the world, but realistically, it wouldn’t go that far. The people you could compare yourself to were limited, and you generally knew something about them as a person. Your idea of reality was more concrete.
But Not Anymore
Now, it almost feels like the world is too big and too small at the same time. Through social media, you can see into the lives of everyone–or at least the parts that they want you to see. More than that, it feels like everyone can see you. On social media, you learn how to create a “public persona,” even if you’re not an influencer. Sometimes, it becomes difficult to turn that off, especially when you’re getting feedback and validation (or criticism) on the persona that you’ve created.
The Lack of Vulnerability
What happens when you approach the world with your guard up? When your friendships are created from behind a mask?
You lack vulnerability.
What creates genuine connection?
That’s right. Vulnerability.
I have this theory that people, especially Gen Z and Gen Alpha, struggle with expectations of friendship and relationships (I’ll get to that later), but also being able to trust and be themselves within those relationship. After all, how can you be yourself when you don’t even know who you really are? How can you trust when everyone is scared to make a mistake that can make them a laughingstock, or when they’re scared to get canceled for it?
With this public persona and viewing the shrinking room for error, it makes sense why there’s a perceived lack of connection today. People struggle to bring their full selves to relationships.
The Need for Validation
This has been talked about often, so I won’t spend too much time on it. This article goes more into the effect social media has on the brain, but the essence is that it taps into our desire to be liked and to seek novelty. We want to be liked. That’s human. However, the mindset sometimes trickles over into real life and begins to affect self-esteem.
I see dating apps as the clearest danger of this. I wrote this opinion post about the dangers of online dating. Although there are definitely success stories, it also promotes this idea of “ranking” people, seeing too much choice, viewing people as discardable, and turning the dating process into a sort of game. It can quickly damage self-esteem and relationship expectations. It’s not hard to see how other social media can do the same thing.
When those ideas–needing constant validation, having the idea that someone should fit a certain criteria otherwise you can move on, worrying that things aren’t as they seem–enter the social sphere, it becomes pretty obvious why we have a lack of connection today and struggle to really connect.
The Effort Factor
I won’t generalize and say that everyone is like this. However, this opinion is based on a trend that I have observed quite often, especially with younger people. If people can make something easier and do less work, they do it. This is great when it comes to trying to innovate. It’s less great when it comes to relationships.
There’s definitely a cultural and logistical element to it here. In Italy, people do prioritize in person relationships more, and they prefer phone calls to texts often. In the US, we’re so busy with (and then exhausted by) our jobs and every other responsibility that we have that it often becomes difficult to maintain connections in real life. It’s not that this is a simplified look at effort in relationships or that I’m trying to glorify relationships of times past. I wasn’t there. I can only suggest what I’ve lived, heard, and seen.
And that would be the idea that many people now don’t understand how much effort truly rewarding relationships take–romantic, platonic, or familial. When you conduct most of your relationships virtually, and most of what you’re exposed to are more surface-level relationships, you begin to almost expect a lack of connection. Your model for what to expect changes.
A Worldwide Pattern
From what I’ve seen between the two countries, this definitely seems to be worse in the US. However, the problem still exists here in Italy, particularly with younger people. From talking with my friends, it seems that it’s universal. That’s not to say that people are friendless or have zero meaningful, fulfilling relationships, but just that it’s become harder to find and nourish those.
Our desire for real connection has not changed. Our approach and expectations have. We expect the world and look for the end result, but we’re not always willing to do the work to get there. Neither are other people; in fact, the challenge is often to find someone who mirrors your approach to relationships. It’s only then that you can have a truly fulfilling connection.
So There’s a Lack of Connection Today…Now What?
The situation isn’t impossible. In my experience, most of the solution comes from changing the approach and expectations that have become so normal. It’s only once you do that that today’s lack of connection can start to diminish.
Approach Life with More Empathy and Understanding
One of my big beliefs is that the younger generations in the US have increased empathy and understanding in many ways, but have also become less accepting in other ways. Of course understanding is almost always conditional to a point anyway, and there should be consequences for unhealthy or harmful actions, but many people have become less open minded. Many people only want to befriend others who share their same “echo chamber” thoughts, and if you stray away from that, you risk being ostracized.
That’s one of the beautiful things about stepping outside of your culture and seeing the world. It allows you a new kind of understanding, as well as an openness to accept other points of view that are informed by diverse life experiences. This is something that needs to grow within the US as well! While there are obviously dealbreakers to any relationship, it would help a lot more if we approach conflict by asking “why?” rather than digging our feet in.
Put Yourself in Connection-Making Circumstances
I wrote an article about how to make friends in college, and this is one of my best tips. It’s so simple, but people often overlook the basic fact that you have to put yourself out there to connect with others. So many of us want to make friends without leaving our beds (hence Bumble BFF). It’s comfortable, low risk, and good for time-scarce people. Yet it’s also incredibly difficult.
Instead, the in-person method works so much better. I’m not saying it’s easy, especially these days. However, if you’re able to find an event for people with similar interests, join a class, try something new, or find a “third place,” it will likely be more effective. The relationships will also be built on shared interests, experiences, and ideally values, which are all better than starting from zero.
Spend Less Time on Your Phone
There are two justifications for this.
First, the more time you spend on your phone, the less you interact with the world. It’s simple math.
Second, the more time you spend on social media, the more it impacts your expectations and mental health. Instead, try focusing on the circle that you have. Work on improving yourself and exploring your interests. Return to the real, concrete life and step away from the manufactured life of social media. You don’t have to give it up–just limit it as you focus on other things.
Figure Out Who You Are and Show Up as That
It’s easy to feel a lack of connection with others when you have a lack of connection with your true self. This isn’t a “fit yourself into a box” type of thing. It’s understanding who you are as a person, what nurtures your soul, and what you need to feel safe and fulfilled. Of course we are always in a state of flux; we’re always growing and changing. However, figuring out who you are at your core is crucial to finding meaningful connections.
I think of it as trying to find your way out of the deep end with a blindfold on. If you don’t know who you are, it’s like you’re swimming without direction, grabbing onto the first thing you find and hoping it’s a wall. When it’s not, it only becomes more frustrating as you try again. The process repeats. If you’re able to see clearly, you don’t have this issue.
With that being said, it’s also crucial to show up as yourself. This sounds like such high school advice, but I think it follows us into adulthood. Again, we all have the desire to be liked and to belong. It’s human. It can be hard when you feel like you’re not finding your people because of who you are. Yet I believe that everyone will find their person or people eventually, and it will only be a meaningful connection if they are themselves.
Be the Person You’d Want to Be Friends with
Basically the golden rule. People say that you attract what you put out. I’d say this is also probably true. If you seem like a person who won’t be a true friend, other people probably won’t want to invest in the relationship. I know it’s hard to be vulnerable and take risks, especially with how many people can be truly awful. Yet it is a risk you have to take if you want to form strong connections. Work on yourself. Find your interests. Get comfortable with yourself. Switch things up if they’re not working.
I think you’ll be surprised with the results.
A Final Word
If you’ve stuck with me all the way until the end, thank you. I hope this has been helpful and has made you think a bit. The lack of connection today, as well as our increased desire for it, is something that I think about often. As an educator, it’s also something that breaks my heart when I see students struggling with it. While this is just my opinion on the situation, I do hope it was helpful for you.
What are your thoughts? Let me know!
Image Credit: Image by Lâm Vũ from Pixabay
