I mean, it’s all in the title, isn’t it? Dating apps suck. You probably didn’t need me to tell you that. Yet despite this knowledge, we all keep using them. Most of us are doing it because we want love–that idea we grew up on with rom coms. Yet the suffering is worse than the benefits in most cases, and here’s why.
Disclaimer: Yes, there are pros to dating apps.
They make dating easier, don’t they? They let you pick what you want without having to reject anyone to their faces. You can scroll through your options without leaving your bed. You can see more people than in real life. If you want a hook up, you can very easily find someone else who wants the same thing instead of something serious. All of these are objectively good things. Like me, you probably also know people who have met on dating apps, as rare as that might be. It would be naïve to say that there are no benefits to online dating. However, in my opinion, the cons far outweigh these pros.
It’s set up to make you addicted.
Literally. This isn’t even an exaggeration. Just like all other social media, it’s meant to keep you hooked. This article does an excellent job explaining this and giving some interesting stats about dating apps and addiction. It becomes like a game, and honestly, sometimes it’s hard to remember that it’s real life with real people. They all just become tiles you’re swiping on, waiting to feel that rush of validation when someone matches with you.
And that’s what a lot of us really want, isn’t it? Of course we want love or companionship or whatever, but validation feels so good, no matter how self-confident we are. The apps are smart. They realize this. That’s why many people believe that the algorithm rewards you for interacting with the app more. This page takes an interesting look at the *alleged* way that the algorithm works for Bumble. It’s interesting, and it once more reinforces this idea of the app vying for your attention–and of course, trying to get you to buy premium.
You might not find the people you’re looking for there.
I say this with caution. Obviously you’re on there, so it’s not like the people are all bad/unsavory/ unlike you. Dating apps can also be a great way to meet people. However, it’s not exactly representative of everyone. Yes, many people with various lifestyles have used dating apps. Yet there’s a significant population of people who don’t use them, and you have to consider whether or not those people might share your values more.
Just think of the traditional guy on Bumble or Tinder. Picture him in your mind. Does some sort of friend group, fish/beer/outdoors, or sports game picture come up? What about the bio? If you scroll through five or so guys, you’ll notice how incredibly similar their bios, answers to questions, and overall profiles are. While many types of people are represented, certain populations are represented more. If that’s your type, excellent. If it’s not, it’s a long and hard road that just results in more sadness.
It sort of kills some romance.
Think about it–just by looking at someone’s profile, you already know the answers to a lot of the first date questions. Usually, when you’re on a first date, you get to know the person more. With dating apps, you already have this glimpse into their life and a lot of the mystery isn’t there. Sure, this might give you things to talk about on a first date, but it’s not the same as in real life. There’s no meet cute, no intrigue, no real excitement. It’s just straightforward: you met on a dating app and here you are.
And then dating multiple people…
Then there’s also the idea that dating apps are meant for you to be talking to multiple people at a time. Some people like to date like this anyway, and that’s fine. For some of us, however, this is dehumanizing in a way. You’re not being viewed as a serious person where they’re devoting their time and energy to get to know you; instead, you’re viewed as an option. The same applies to you if you’re talking to multiple people at a time. The idea is there in the back of your mind, whether you think of it or not, and all throughout chats or even dates, you’re comparing the other person to the rest of them, and they’re doing the same to you. This does happen in “real life” dating as well, but it’s incredibly common with dating apps because that’s how they’re set up.
I know the argument that people have for this kind of dating: it allows you to test the waters, to not get committed too early, to see what you like. However, it sucks. You’re priming yourself to not get hurt, and it just is a bad mindset in response to bad circumstances. Because of that, I’d argue that dating apps only reinforce concerns about this and potentially lead to more unhappiness. The fact that we have multiple social media pages called “Are you dating my boyfriend? (insert city)” speaks for itself.
Sometimes the swipe mentality carries over into real life.
Also depressing, but think about it. When you go on the dating app, everyone is an option. You don’t always think of them as “real” people, and like I mentioned above, they’re probably also talking to other people, so you’re an option, too. This results in many different negative feelings: pain, feeling used, lowered self-esteem, anxiety, etc. Because of this, many of use become more and more jaded, and we accept different mentalities to “survive” (so to speak) in the online dating world, many of which are unhealthy.
From what I’ve seen, this also encourages a certain attitude in dating. Everyone suddenly becomes “replaceable.” You’re too difficult? That’s fine–the other person can just go on the app and find someone easier. After all, it’s easy. They hardly even have to work for it. This might happen in dating without the apps, but I’ve noticed its prevalence within that sphere more. Like I mention below, this only increases negative feelings. Nobody wants to feel replaceable or worthless, and they want to feel secure in their relationships. Dating apps suck because they really encourage this “grass is greener” mindset, and it only ends up hurting most of us.
It can cause more anxiety/depression.
This sounds dramatic, but I honestly believe it. Like I mention below with loneliness, dating apps suck because they give you these overwhelming circumstances filled with rejection. Objectively, if you’re presented with literally thousands of options and still can’t find one, how do you think you’ll feel? Bad. I’d use a stronger word than that, but I’m trying to be polite here. You feel (insert your word of choice). Then what happens? Self-doubt creeps in, even if you’re a relatively confident person. You wonder if you’re the problem, why they don’t want you, etc. Would this happen in real life? Maybe, but not at the same rate it does on the apps.
We’re not meant for all of this rejection or disappointment with romance. Yes, we bounce back. But dating apps are overwhelming, and they bombard us with it in a way that we wouldn’t experience in real life. With dating apps, we also have to deal with anxiety about expectations. Dating is hard enough as it is, but then you get some of the people on there, and your hopes just start to fall. Whether it’s ghosting, bad behavior, rude/sexist/unbearable people messaging you, or creeps, it gets to be a lot, and you lose your faith in humanity. Because people are hiding behind screens, they’re much braver, yet that takes its toll. Once more, I’d argue that dating apps suck because they make this behavior feel normal, while it really isn’t as common in real life.
The entire concept reinforces loneliness.
This is probably the worst of them. Loneliness in your 20s is common enough as it is (see my article here). With dating apps, it becomes incredibly easy to ghost people or make you feel like there is absolutely nobody in the world for you. Picture it: you’re swiping, and you find someone you like. You swipe right. Now you have two options: first, you don’t match. This either makes you bummed out that you were rejected in a way, or you forget about them because of the million other options. Second, you match. Now there’s a whole host of options that can happen. Maybe you start talking, and you think it’s going well, but then suddenly, the conversation disappears. Or, of course, there’s the straight up ghosting that can happen at any point during the conversation. What’s the result? A sad feeling of loneliness and rejection. Maybe it goes a bit better and the conversation just dies naturally because you mutually realize it won’t work. If you’re lucky, you actually get to the date stage–but even that’s a struggle.
On the date, you might be one of the very lucky ones who gives everyone else a dangerous sense of hope. Or, if you’re like most other people, the date is mediocre at best. You get catfished, it’s awkward, they’re not at all like their profile personality wise, or it’s just a bad date. Once more, there’s a sense of loneliness and despair. You feel like out of all the options out there (and there are plenty), you still couldn’t find something good. The loneliness and feelings of being disposable suck, and that in and of itself is enough to ditch the apps entirely.
And so it goes. Again and again.
These are all things that happen when you meet people in real life too, yes, but it seems to happen more often with dating apps. If you think about it, they’re essentially built off of our collective loneliness. We all want companionship, love, and acceptance, and that’s why we turn to the apps. Instead, in their place, we get rejection in various forms constantly. It’s far more than would happen in the real world, and it takes its toll. I have no idea about the motivations of the Match people–they might genuinely want to help people find love. However, the fact remains that our loneliness significantly benefits them. Between that and the reinforced loneliness whenever you use the apps unsuccessfully, it’s pretty clear that dating apps suck.
So why do we keep going back to them?
Dating apps sell hope. Hope that you’ll find the love of your life in an easy way or a place that you might not have looked before. However, is that hope really worth it? Is it worth all of the rejection, assholes, negative feelings, and disappointments? Or should we all just stop signing up to get hurt, stop catering to a business built on loneliness, and stop looking for acceptance and validation in a sad place?
I’d argue that we should start working on ourselves instead. We should start trying to find romance and validation in other areas of our lives. We should value our worth and mental health and just ditch the apps for good. Dating apps suck. Why feed into it more?
