I recently read How to Talk to Anyone and its companion, How to Talk to Anyone at Work, both by Leil Lowndes. Billed as the twenty-first century follow-up to How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, the first book has 92 small tips for success in both personal and professional relationships. The second book has 72 tips, specifically intended for the professional environment, although many of these are repeats from the first book.
Overall, I found the books to be insightful. There were a few tips that felt outdated or overly formal, but this makes sense considering that the first book was published over 25 years ago. Although I would make some adjustments to certain tips when dealing with Gen X and younger, it still felt useful on the whole. With that being said, I’m going to share some of the major communication takeaways from the books, targeted specifically toward rising professionals and students. Having a my Bachelor’s in Conflict Resolution (ISCOR shoutout), I’ll also add some commentary where I see fit.
Point #1: Nonverbal Communication Is Key
While the exact percentage of how much communication is nonverbal (estimates range from 55% to 90%) remains disputed, the point remains that our nonverbal communication doesn’t just talk; it screams. If you want to be liked, respected, or even noticed, you need to work on what your body is saying.
Let’s take a situation. It’s your first day in a new class. You try to talk to the person next to you, but they don’t turn fully toward you or don’t take their eyes off their phone. What does this say to you? Another situation: you’re presenting, but your shoulders are hunched, you’re speaking softly, and you don’t look at the audience. What are you giving off?
To a degree, these are pretty obvious things. The first person seems uninterested, and the second seems terrified. Even if these don’t accurately reflect their emotions, it’s how it comes off. When dealing with people, you need to make adjustments based on the situation, audience, and presence you want to exude.
Pointers?
How to Talk to Anyone spent quite a bit of time on these tips, but I think most of them were pretty intuitive. If you’ve ever taken a communication class, they will get drilled into your head. Here’s brief recap:
- Improve your posture. This helps you to seem more confident and present, but it’s also good for you physically.
- Look people in the eye and face toward them when they are talking. I’ll get into active listening later. For now, just know that this signals confidence and attention.
- Have a confident smile. You can practice this in the mirror if you want, but you basically want to give off warmth, attention, and acknowledgement. This makes you likeable.
- Move with determination. This ties back to posture, and it also prevents you from seeming aimless and/or weak. If you walk somewhere with a goal in mind, you seem more confident and more like a leader.
- Study body language. This is my tip, because we learn best by observing and then putting it into practice. This also helps you to understand others better, which will naturally improve your communication skills. I found this video by a former FBI agent to be insightful.
The overall takeaway here is that you want to appear confident, and you want your nonverbal communication to be in sync with your verbal communication. The caveat here is that you must adjust for cross-cultural communication settings. How we communicate in the US is not the way people in Japan, Italy, or the UAE communicate. We’ve all heard horror stories about hand signals that mean something else in another country. This is also true for body language, movements, and (obviously) verbal cues. Know your audience before you interact with them.
Point #2: Be Prepared for Small Talk
A lot of us hate small talk. Depending on the country, you might be able to skip it. If you’re in the US, however, it’s (unfortunately) around to stay. From social anxiety to simply feeling awkward to being annoyed about having to do it, there are several reasons to not enjoy small talk. Yet it’s a crucial skill to have, because it will reflect well on you socially.
With that being said, a lot of small talk boils down to preparation and practice. Like with an exam or an essay, starting ahead of time and knowing your audience will help to not just minimize anxiety, but also increase your abilities.
Pointers?
- Know who will be at the party (so to speak). If there’s a way to know who will be at the networking event, dinner, or whatever situation you’ll be in, figure it out. This will let you adjust your approach.
- Learn a bit about them. It’s best if you have a mutual friend. Otherwise, the internet helps. Don’t stalk them; just try to figure out what could be good jumping-off points in conversation, and find a way to work those in if you’re struggling. I.e., you see someone posts constantly about your dog and someone at the event has a service dog, so you mention it briefly.
- Learn a bit about everything. How to Talk to Anyone suggests switching things up every month and trying something new or reading about a topic you wouldn’t normally read about. This helps to not only broaden your horizons, but it also allows you to engage in small talk about a wider variety of topics.
- Wear a small conversation starter. This was another great tip. It shouldn’t be something crazy, but something that people might notice and comment about. Then you can seem interesting and have a pre-prepared topic.
- Find common ground. This one should be obvious, but it’s easiest to talk about something you both like or are familiar with.
- My advice? If you’re not comfortable with small talk, try to find a topic they like talking about and let them lead. People love talking about themselves, and they’ll have a fonder impression of you. It’s a win-win.
If you’re still feeling lost, here’s a list of small talk topics I found. I’d use this in case of emergency, but it’s helpful to look over.
Point #3: People Are Basically All Egotistical
I think we know this. Dale Carnegie said something along the lines of, “A person’s name is their favorite sound.” It’s true. We love people being interested in us, we love expressing our thoughts, and we love (to a degree) being at the center of attention. It’s human nature. How to Talk to Anyone spends a good amount of time on it, and for good reason.
This self-obsession is incredibly useful when talking to people. As much as you can, try to think about the other person. Make them feel like the star. Obviously the conversation or relationship should go both ways (we’ve all had those relationships where one person hogs the conversation), but the more you give them attention and make them seem unique, usually the more you’ll be fondly remembered.
Pointers
- Ask the person about themselves, but stick to respectful topics (not super personal at first!)
- Show them that they have your full attention
- Use their name slightly more often than normal–but don’t overdo it
- A great suggestion from How to Talk to Anyone: match their mood. If they’re a more reserved person, it’s not the time to be super bubbly and enthusiastic.
- Keep it short. Try to cap yourself when telling a story. The longer you talk without giving someone else a chance to speak, the more they will drift off.
- This one feels obvious, but maybe it needs to be said. If you’re in contact with someone close to your “target”–let’s say your boss’s assistant, for example–pay them attention, too. Treat them well. Treat everyone you encounter well.
- Remember what you talked about, even if you have to jot it down, and bring it up when you see them next. This makes them feel listened to.
- A tip from working in customer service: keep your boundaries, but the more you can gently apply the “customer is always right” idea, the more you’ll probably be liked.
Point #4: Active Listening Is Key
If you’ve ever sat through an SEL (Social and Emotional Learning), leadership, conflict resolution, or communication class, you were probably introduced to the concept of active listening. It’s something that seems intuitive, but many people struggle with it. While How to Talk to Anyone doesn’t explicitly reference active listening, many of the tips fall in line with this, so I wanted to expand it.
Active listening is a way to show your conversation partner that you’re not just listening, but that you’re engaged and understanding everything they’re saying. Think of all the times you’ve been with someone and you can tell they’re only half listening. It doesn’t feel good, right? It also won’t reflect well on them when they’re dealing with people. My advice here is to read up on active listening and then practice it to become a master. For now, however, here are the pointers.
Pointers
- Make sure your nonverbal communication conveys that you are listening and engaged in the conversation
- Rephrase/echo what your partner said, don’t just say, “Mmhmm”
- Give cues that you’re listening (nodding, the rephrasing)
- If they’re upset, focus on their sentiments to show that you’re not just repeating words, but actually understanding what’s behind the words
- Don’t just think of what you’re going to say next! Actually listen to what they are saying
Point #5: Know Your Audience and Be Flexible
Okay, I’ve said this a few times now. However, it deserves its own point because it’s true!
The best communicators are the ones who can adapt. This doesn’t mean that you should change your personality; honesty and authenticity are still critical to gaining people’s trust. Yet if you’re able to understand the setting and the person, you’ll do better.
One thing that I see with many of my middle and high school students today is that they don’t all understand this. Sometimes they treat teachers like peers, or they say things completely inappropriate for the classroom. Other times, they write like it’s a text. In English, we don’t have a formal “you” like many other languages do, and sometimes I wonder if this makes it harder for English speakers to understand this concept (just another reason why language learning is so important!). While How to Talk to Anyone only reviews this a little, I wanted to add some pointers of my own.
Pointers
- Study the person and the setting before you speak. Are they talking with regional slang, or are they speaking formally? Adjust your vocabulary to suit them.
- When in doubt, err on the conservative side. You’ll figure out soon if the person is more casual or not. It’s better for them to invite you to relax than to reprimand you for being too familiar.
- If it’s an authority figure, use their titles unless they tell you not to.
- Find the mood in the room and adjust to it. I said this above, but it’s true. You wouldn’t be laughing at a funeral. Show that you understand how to adjust to the situation, and you’ll look good.
- There are some topics that should be avoided with certain audiences. Figure out what those are.
- Determine what makes your “target” tick and what they respond well to, and incorporate that more.
- Please study the cultural context, adjust your communication accordingly, and ask questions when there are uncertainties. It’s much better to go in informed.
A Brief Review of How to Talk to Anyone
Liked I said in the introduction, How to Talk to Anyone was a helpful refresher on communication advice, and it also had some tips that I hadn’t thought of before. This post is by no means a summary of the book(s), and there is still a ton that I haven’t touched on. I figured I’d add a brief review for people interested in reading it.
The first book is one that I would recommend to anyone, as it is a quick read with good examples and concrete advice. While much of the advice in the second book is geared toward working professionals, I do believe that it’s still useful for students. Even if you’re working at Starbucks, you’re still dealing with people, and you still have a boss, so the advice applies.
My one criticism about the edition of How to Talk to Anyone that I read is that it felt outdated or cold at points. The technology referenced is not the technology of today. I think this advice is still good to read, because it will help when dealing with Baby Boomers. For the younger generations, though, some of the tips require reflection about their practicality.
There was a part about email etiquette that I found myself torn about; some tips were good, but some seemed like they could actually cause a misunderstanding in the modern workplace. There were also some tips targeted to the different genders that I believe still hold up for certain people/generations, but not others. Again, it just takes discernment and reflection.
Overall, however, I would definitely recommend How to Talk to Anyone to anyone looking to improve their communication skills.
A Final Word
How to Talk to Anyone is an excellent jumping-off point for learning about communication skills. These were some of the main takeaways, as well as my commentary from a conflict resolution/communication background. Have you read this book? What did you think?
Image Credit: Pixabay
