There’s a Sabrina Carpenter song dedicated to it. It’s something that most women look back and groan about, remembering all of the emotional anguish and wasted time. What might that be? It’s the dreaded reality of dealing with an emotionally immature partner.
What is emotional immaturity, and why is it important to recognize it in a partner?
Emotional immaturity is a clear sign of a partner, a man for the sake of this post, who never grew up. Physically, he’s an adult. Mentally and emotionally, however, he acts like a child–hence the nickname “man child.” It can be subtle at first, but sooner or later in the relationship, you’ll start to wonder.
Dealing with an emotionally immature partner is exhausting. There’s no way around it. You go from being a girlfriend to being a parent as well, which you never signed up for. And usually by time it starts to dawn on you that you might be facing this problem, you’re already too far in. You’ve put so much energy into the relationship to just give up on it. Worse still, you’re not sure if it’s just in your head, if you’re being too mean, or if it’s a real problem.
Not to fear. I’m here to provide clarity. In this post, I’ll give you ten signs to help you spot emotional immaturity in your relationship. One sign alone probably doesn’t mean that your boyfriend fits this category. Several signs, however, mean that you might have an emotionally immature partner on your hands.
Sign #1: Lack of accountability
This is the biggest one. I wrote a post about a less-talked about red flag in dating–accountability-free parents. Essentially, the idea carries over. If a man’s parents never hold him accountable and always let him off scot-free, he’ll probably bring that attitude into your relationship.
Think about the last time you had an argument or he messed up. This happens, and it’s normal in relationships. What’s crucial is the response. Did he take ownership of what he did, consider your feelings, and at least try to make a change? Or did he brush you off, make excuses, deny it, or try to shift the blame back onto you?
You can tell a lot about a man by how he takes accountability for something. If this is a foreign concept to him and everything is always someone else’s fault, you could be dealing with an emotionally immature partner.
Sign #2: He’s entitled
A huge indicator that you have an emotionally immature partner is that he has a sense of entitlement. It doesn’t even have to be about anything specific, and it likely won’t be. He will feel entitled to your time and energy. He’ll think that he deserves things, despite having done absolutely nothing to earn them. When things don’t go his way, he’ll get upset about it because “he should have gotten it.”
Obviously people get upset about and want things, but the entitlement of an emotionally immature partner is different. It goes beyond the normal expectation, and it centers fully on him. When you challenge this idea of entitlement, he will likely push away the accountability and become emotionally difficult, as I will talk about next.
Sign #3: His emotional reaction is over the top and inconsiderate
Don’t get me wrong. Everyone reacts differently to things. My normal may not be your normal. When it’s an emotionally immature partner, however, their reactions don’t match what a normal situation deserves. They might barely react when you’re upset, completely explode when you’re being calm, or even burst into tears whenever you bring up a difficult topic that they don’t want to confront.
At the heart of this are insecurity, immaturity, and selfishness. They use their reactions to get what they want. Often, that includes controlling you in some way to make their lives easier. Like with the lack of accountability and entitlement, they are focused on what’s best for them and how they feel, not how you feel.
Sign #4: Their parents are overly involved
I swear I’m not trying to pick on parents. One thing I’ve noticed about emotionally immature partners is that their parents coddle them excessively. They might be a grown man, but their parents still take care of everything for them. Chores? Mom does them. Dinner and laundry? Taken care of. Adult responsibility? Completely missing.
There’s nothing wrong with being close to your parents or to accepting help now and then. When it feels like your partner’s parents are treating him like a middle schooler, however, and he’s going with it, it’s probably something to re-examine.
Sign #5: They don’t take care of your emotional needs
You’re probably sensing a pattern here. Like with the emotional outbursts, they only think of themselves. They might give you emotional attention at first or periodically, but it isn’t consistent. It’s when it’s convenient for them. This can be hard to see, especially if they’re manipulating you as well. If something feels like it’s off, however, and you keep asking yourself this question, the answer is probably yes.
Sign #6: They don’t think about consequences
Emotionally immature partners act like children. This includes acting without thought for the future.
I won’t lie. Men in general definitely don’t consider risk the same way that women do, and they’re more impulsive on the whole. This is a different ballpark, though. It goes with the false sense of confidence that the entitlement and lack of accountability afford you.
This could take the form of substance abuse (not in an alcohol/dependent way, but more in a recreationally unhealthy, “why shouldn’t I” way), doing stupid things without consideration of what follows, or following the motto “better to ask for forgiveness than permission.” They generally assume it’ll work out for them and that other people–you included–will fall in line.
Sign #7: They don’t really change
They might promise to change. But when it comes down to it, they don’t. The same issues recur, yet real change never lasts longer than a short period. This is one of the most frustrating parts of dealing with a man child. You get some false promise, and like a good partner, you want to believe that they care enough to change, but they continually disappoint you.
Sign #8: The weight of the relationship falls on you
When problems arise, you’re the one who has to fix it. He might create the problem or even bring it up, but he expects you to put in the effort to resolve it. Even if he sees you reading books, seeking therapy, or going to other measures to actively fix things in good faith, he doesn’t do his part. This can manifest as apathy, excuses, or straight up refusal.
Whatever he says, know this: it takes two people to make a relationship work. You can’t carry the weight of the relationship on your shoulders, nor should you. There are no excuses for this.
Sign #9: Once you’re comfortable in the relationship, he starts not trying
It’s natural to have phases in relationships, and the Honeymoon Phase never lasts forever. However, that doesn’t mean that that you stop trying. If you’re dealing with an emotionally immature partner, he will probably slowly stop trying to impress you once he knows you’re secure. The dates, prioritization, and sweet words slow to a trickle (unless, of course, he needs something from you). He’ll still expect the same things and claim that he’s a good boyfriend, but all of a sudden he’s too tired/busy/insert excuse to treat you right.
This can be very hard to see sometimes because it’s usually a gradual process. There are periods of ebbs and flows, too; if he’s working two jobs and going to school, he will have less time. What’s important is that you’re still a priority and that he shows you that he values you.
Sign #10: Not prioritizing you
You do everything you can for the relationship. You deal with his emotional outbursts, overbearing parents, and overall immaturity. Your reward?
Nothing.
He puts everything above you and just expects you to take it. Everyone else gets a higher ranking: friends, family, bosses…and despite you theoretically being the most intimate relationship in his life, he doesn’t give you the spot you deserve. If you try to negotiate more time or attention, he’ll have another dramatic reaction or excuse to get you to stop asking.
This might be the most heartbreaking part of dealing with an emotionally immature partner. He’ll make you feel like you should just accept this situation, like it’s a normal part of relationships. If he’s particularly manipulative, he might even argue that he deserves more time with his friends and video games and that you shouldn’t guilt him over it, even if you already feel like a non-priority.
Again, you deserve a relationship where you are prioritized and where both partners give ample effort. This emotionally immature behavior isn’t that.
In Conclusion
If this behavior rings true with you, it may be time to re-evaluate your relationship. Dealing with an emotionally immature partner is taxing enough in mild cases, but unfortunately, they often engage in emotionally abusive behavior like gaslighting, manipulation, lying, and blame-shifting to keep you where they want you.
Emotionally immature partners are feeders. They feed off their parents, you, your energy, and your time. After a while, this wears on you and impacts every aspect of your life. As difficult as it is, it is much better to save your sanity and cut the relationship off than allow your mental health to suffer.
Dating isn’t easy, but when you know what warning signs to look for, it can help. Whatever the situation, know that you deserve a relationship with dignity, honesty, and mutual respect. Anything less to that isn’t healthy.
Are there any signs that aren’t here? Let me know in the comments!
