Relationships are hard. Breakups are even harder. That much can’t be argued. When you have to cope with a college breakup, however, it sometimes feels as though the world is ending. Parting from the person you’ve experienced so much (and so many new things) with is difficult, and while nothing can really strip that initial pain, there are some steps that you can take to heal and come out of it better.
The Reality
The reality is that it’s going to suck. This isn’t a high school relationship. With a college relationship, you’re out in the (sort of) real world. You’re doing things together as adults and having so many new experiences together. Especially if this was your first serious relationship, it’s going to be hard. Most of the time, it’s not like you’ll wake up the next day and be glad they’re gone. Whether you’re the breaker-upper or the breaker-uppee, it’s a big adjustment to suddenly have someone gone. You need to learn how to fill in the blanks of your life. It can feel like you’re missing a limb. Your heart breaks again every time you go to text the person and remember you can’t. While it’s not a death, it is a loss. Because of that, it needs to be grieved as such. You need to acknowledge that it is difficult and that it probably will be difficult for a while. However, you also need to acknowledge that this is not the end, even if it feels like it.
The Good Part
The excellent part of this reality is that you still have power. It might not feel like it, especially if the breakup was messy or had a betrayal. Yet the truth remains that part of the way to cope with a college breakup is to reclaim that power. While the circumstances are awful, you have a new opportunity to improve yourself and start again.
Step 1: Give Yourself Time
Unfortunately, the first step to cope with a college breakup is to realize that pain doesn’t disappear overnight. Give yourself time to grieve, but don’t get to the point where you let yourself wallow. Allow yourself to go through the process of anger, frustration, depression–however you process, let it happen. Don’t expect yourself to be fine immediately. If you put this expectation on yourself to just move on, it will only make things worse when you don’t meet your impossible standard.
It’s About Balance.
It can be hard to find this balance of letting yourself sit and being ready to go out, but it’s critical to do so. Sometimes this can be a mental state of acknowledging the simple fact. Physically, you might be going out and keeping busy, as I explain later. It’s about finding what works for you. However, it’s important to note that there is no set timeline of when you should be “over” someone. Every relationship is incredibly different, as is every breakup. There are so many layers to them, and that complicates feelings even more. A two month relationship might take you a year to get over. On the other hand, a three year long relationship might only take you two months to get over. Everyone is unique and processes differently, so don’t place pressure on yourself to meet some imaginary standard.
But Don’t Date Just Yet.
Don’t try to jump right back into dating. While it’s incredibly tempting to pull out the dating apps and look for validation or try to meet new people, it only hurts in the long run. Think about it. You go out there, fresh out of a serious relationship, and try to meet someone new. If this is a rebound (which it often ends up being), you only hurt the other person. Chances are pretty good that you’re not emotionally available or ready enough yet to date, so for your sake and the sake of the other person, skip this. Trust me and the millions of other people who have made this mistake. It’s not worth it.
Step 2: Utilize Your Social Resources
This is a time when you don’t want to be by yourself. This was the person who was (likely) closest to you for a while. Nobody else will fill that void, but they don’t have to. They serve a different purpose in your life, and your relationship with them is different. It’s common to stop prioritizing certain friendships as much during relationships, especially college relationships. While a breakup is still awful, it can be a sign to start watering the seeds of those friendships again.
Often, you’ll be surprised at how much love you receive from the people in your life during a trying time like this. Whether it’s small texts, people taking you out to keep you busy, or a shoulder to cry on, people show up. This makes a world of a difference.
My Experience
Personally, I went through a bad breakup during my Masters program. It felt like the world was slipping out from underneath my feet. However, in the midst of all of the heartbreak I felt, I was truly touched and amazed at the love and support I had from friends and family. All of my friends stepped up and showed me that they were there for me on a level I couldn’t have imagined. While I’d appreciated them before, that breakup helped me to appreciate them even more, and it helped to bring those other relationships closer. To this day, when I think of that breakup, I can’t not think about all of the love and support I received from the people in my life. I might have lost one person, but I grew closer with literally every other person in my life.
Restructuring Matters.
And sometimes that’s what you need to do. A critical step to cope with a college breakup is to find a way to look at the positives. Restructure it (as difficult as it is) to focus on your friends and your family. Look at the people who are there building you up instead of the person who you no longer have.
Step 3: Keep Yourself Occupied
Especially during the first month after a breakup, this is critical. It is hard to leave your room sometimes. When you’re right at the beginning of a bad breakup, it’s hard to get out of bed and eat. Energy seems so far away, and the thought of going into the world is difficult to fathom.
But it has to happen at some point.
And as hard as it is, this is critical to cope with a college breakup. Throw yourself into other things. You’re already taking advantage of your social network. Go out with friends more. If you live on campus, start going to random events, even if you’re not interested. Join a club, find a new class, pick up a leadership certificate, start exercising, work more hours…if it helps to keep your mind off your ex, it’ll work. Even if you refuse to leave the house, try to do something that you love. Read, write, watch TV, cook, just keep busy.
It might feel like you’re consciously filling a void. That’s okay. Even if it’s like that at the start, it will help in the long run. Whatever you do, do not allow yourself to sit there and ruminate over the other person. Remember that things are about you now, and you need to take advantage of that.
Step 4: Re-Evaluate Other Areas of Your Life
During a breakup, you usually do a lot of reflection. It helps to extend this to other areas of your life. Maybe you realize you’d been unhappy for a while in the relationship. Maybe the breakup was a shock and you need to focus on something else. Either way, it helps to look at the different areas of your life and consider what you might want to change. Look at work, school, social, personal, emotional, etc. If there is something that can be evaluated, do it. Consider what you are happy with and what you want to do or change.
By doing this, you can feed into the above step (keep busy) and the below step (make new goals). The idea is to work on yourself. Take the time without a dating focus to focus on yourself. Improve the things you want to improve. This is a crucial part of how to cope with a college breakup, as you are regaining your power and awareness. It’s all about bringing yourself happiness, and evaluation is the first step.
Step 5: Make New Goals + Have New Experiences
Now that you’ve evaluated your life, you’ve probably found some things that you want to change. This is your chance to make new goals and seek new experiences. We inherently desire novelty, and in some relationships, that can stop. Whether it’s because you have a partner who doesn’t gel with you or because you got stuck in a rut, it helps to experience new things by yourself. Now is your time to focus on yourself, find new passions, make new connections, and discover what’s out there.
These goals can be small (i.e., show up to one campus event). They can be overarching (i.e., work on my self-confidence). They can be adventurous (i.e., travel somewhere by myself). If you’re more academically inclined, they can focus in that realm (i.e., take up a new major or learn a new language). Whatever the goals are, they should be something that you really want to do and something that will help you to better yourself.
After my breakup, I made a list of 23 things I would do before my 23rd birthday. Some of these things were definitely things my ex hated and I hadn’t been able to do with them. It might sound petty, but it helped, and if it helps you, it’s not a bad thing. However, this list soon drove me to step outside of my comfort zone and actively seek out new experiences. Even after I’d finished mourning my old relationship, it encouraged me to try new things, which bettered my life. In my journey to experience novelty, I found new passions and met people who changed my life for the better.
Step 6: Ensure You Have a Good Mental Health Routine
Some relationships end mutually. Some just fizzle out. Others, however, have a lot of baggage behind them. If you’re reading this article, chances are decent that you fall into the latter category. There’s a wide spectrum of what could have happened, and many of those things take time to heal from. Often, part of getting over a relationship is not just mourning what you lost and learning to live without the person, but it’s also learning to trust yourself again. Out of everything that comes with learning how to cope with a college breakup, this might be the hardest.
Like many things with emotions, clarity and peace don’t come overnight. It helps to establish a routine or some anchors. The central question should be what habits you have to ensure you’re on the right path. For example, do you journal your thoughts and feelings daily? Do you talk to a therapist weekly? Do you have consistent coffees with friends to talk? Maybe you have a self-care routine or meditate or do yoga or breathing exercises. Whatever your way is, make sure that you’re consistent and create a routine out of it. So much of taking care of your mental health is preventative. You want to build the habits to support yourself before you actually need them.
A Breakup Changes Things a Bit.
A breakup can often test your mental health routines. There are so many strong emotions involved in a breakup that it can feel impossible to process everything at once. Especially when there’s some sort of emotional damage from something like a betrayal, lying, gaslighting, manipulation, abuse, or worse, it’s incredibly difficult. It can feel like you don’t know which way is up and which way is down. Even worse, you feel furious at yourself for not realizing what was happening. You don’t trust your own perception of the world anymore.
This is so difficult, especially when you have to balance all of the other demands of college. However, it’s an unfortunate part of learning to cope with a college breakup. Once your safety is ensured and you are out of a dangerous situation, it’s time to process. You have to give yourself the time and resources to learn how to be okay again. It’s okay if you’re not for a while. It’s normal if you make steps and backslide. What’s important is that you make use of the resources that you have (professional and personal) to take care of yourself.
Step 7: Be Open to New Possibilities*
After a certain point, you will eventually feel ready to date again. This might take weeks or it might take years. However long it takes is okay. What truly matters is that you feel ready and that it is your decision.
Sometimes this is a hard step as you try to cope with a college breakup. Especially if you saw your life with the other person and had a very serious relationship with them, it can be hard to see someone new in that position. Even if you really like this new person and see a future with them, you might still feel this turmoil. It’s okay to feel this way, and you shouldn’t beat yourself up or feel guilty. It doesn’t detract from your feelings about the new person. It is simply the final step of letting go of that old relationship.
You don’t have to look for relationships. Often, it feels like there’s a rush to find someone. I remember panicking to my own friends about a timeline. In my mind, time was practically up for me, because I wanted X years to date before marriage, Y years to be married before kids, and then a kid at age Z. It was objectively comical because I was 22, but the fear of never finding someone again felt real.
Spoiler alert: I found someone when I wasn’t looking for a relationship. The same is true for millions of other people. And it will be true for you, too. It’s not over for you, and chances are pretty good that there’s not the time crunch that it might feel like there is. So don’t rush yourself. Follow your interests and be open to the possibilities that are out there.
A Final Word
Life is filled with unpleasant moments, and breakups are one of them. It isn’t easy to learn how to cope with a college breakup, and it might take time, but using these tactics, you will come out stronger. While it might take a while, you’ll see that you are stronger than you thought and that you’re one step closer to your perfect person.
Is there anything else you do to cope with a college breakup? Let me know in the comments below.
