They say that your twenties are the best time of your life. From finishing college to finally being able to drink to establishing your career and exploring, much is changing during this period. With all this excitement, however, comes some downsides that people rarely talk about. Stress, a feeling of loss, and perhaps worst of all, loneliness. Loneliness in your 20s is a real thing, and this open letter aims to reflect on that, as so many of us don’t have a space to do so.
First There’s College
This website focuses primarily on college and post-college success, so it’s natural that most of us start our 20s in college. This looks different for each of us. Some of us, myself included, spend college trying to cram everything in. Others focus solely on the academics and the career aspect. Others still focus on the social aspect of college. Each of us have different values, and college is usually spent as a time exploring that.
However, even in the midst of this exploration and in this structured environment, some of us struggle. I wrote this article on how to make friends in college, and I think back on it fondly. In college, it truly is easier to make friends, especially when in the dorms. Yet even when we’re all making these new friends and enjoying these new experiences, the loneliness can creep in. Isolation is a real feeling in college, especially in those last two years. That’s the time when people are studying abroad, finding internships, and stressing about what to do once they graduate. In your first two years, there’s generally a feeling of opportunity and optimism. You’re all new there, you’re exploring, you’re getting into your major-related classes, and you’re enjoying your college experience. During upper division courses, however, the real world sets in a bit.
And this is where some loneliness can start.
Even when you’re surrounded by other people, likely surrounded by friends, the feeling of separation kicks in. You begin to understand that, soon enough, you’ll go your different ways. It becomes clearer and clearer that college won’t last forever, and for some of us, this might bring on a bit of an identity crisis. The real world is scary, and this is normal. Yet, for some reason, this is never talked about. So, for some of us, we keep it to ourselves, and we don’t share these feelings with our friends. Instead, especially as everyone starts to go their own way, it grows lonelier.
Then there’s graduation.
This is, perhaps, one of the most bittersweet moments. In this time, there’s so much to celebrate. You made it through college, earned your degree, and likely made many memories along the way. You’re celebrating this huge accomplishment and the completion of one stage of life. With this completion comes both an end and a beginning. As you look back on all of your accomplishments, you also need to look forward, into the unknown. There, you don’t have the same comforts that you do in college. Everything is new, and due to various circumstances, many of your college friends have to move. As you walk across that stage and receive that diploma, you begin to question what life after will look like.
After graduation, so much changes.
So you’ve graduated. Maybe you moved home to try to figure out your next steps. If you’re lucky, maybe you jumped straight into work or grad school. All of these are valid and exciting new avenues, but many of them carry this risk of loneliness in your 20s. When you work, it can be hard to make genuine friends or find people your age. In grad school, it’s often easier, but what if it’s an online program? You don’t get that same organic ease that you would in person. If you move, you have to start all over. The commonality amongst all of these items is that there is not that same organic way to meet people.
Think about it–high school and college make it relatively easy. You’re stuck in classes or living spaces with a group of people. With proximity and communication often comes friendship. In addition, you have access to a variety of clubs, sports, or other groups with people who have shared interests and similar ages. You’re truly in a group of your peers, and institutions often try to facilitate friend-making opportunities. Once you graduate, you have to take everything into your own hands.
So then what?
All of these options have their plus sides, of course, and I’m not trying to dispute that. Additionally, I’m not trying to say that you won’t still have your wonderful friends from before. In my own life, I fell into this rut: I had amazing friends from high school, college, and internships, but they all moved for work. With online school and work from home, life became a bit lonely.
At first, I felt like this was a me problem, like I was antisocial or bad at making friends. My other friends were in various stages of their lives–some married, some working, some still in school–and that made it more difficult in a way. It wasn’t like high school and college where we were all working toward similar things. Isolation crept in more and more, and I began to doubt myself.
Once I brought it up, however, each of my friends confessed that they’d had the same problem. Between working and other responsibilities, it was hard to meet people for various reasons: time, opportunity, energy, interest, etc. Most of us genuinely just had a hard time meeting people around our age and getting that chance! While that didn’t necessarily make it better, it was nice to know that I wasn’t alone.
What are some solutions?
To be completely honest, this is something I’m still navigating, and I think that’s true for many of us. In one part, loneliness must be accepted and you must learn how to handle it. Life is constantly changing and evolving, and all of us will feel lonely at some point–especially during a transitory period like our 20s.
Some common solutions for meeting people that I’ve heard include:
- Joining a club sports team
- Using apps like Meetup or Bumble BFF
- Showing up to random events or concerts
- Using your friends to meet their friends
- Trying to find clubs in your area
- Finding a gym or good exercise classes
- Not using dating apps (I swear–they make you feel worse)
Even with these options, it can be difficult. Just like with dating, trying to find friends can come with its share of rejection and emotional turmoil. Sometimes, the efforts that we make feel like they only rebound and reinforce the loneliness. However, there’s always a diamond in the rough, and that applies to making friendships, too.
A Final Word
If you’re reading this, maybe you feel like I do sometimes. It can be sad to be establishing your life and still feel that loneliness in your 20s–that hole in your heart. I won’t lie–it’s not an easy fix. However, by opening the conversation about it more, maybe we can build some more comradery. If you take one thing from this, just know that you’re not alone. Most (if not all) of us are feeling this to a degree in our 20s, and it’s difficult. However, the knowledge that it’s not just you should help you to rest a little easier. Let me know in the comments–have you dealt with this? How did you solve it?
