Dating these days is a battlefield. From experiencing disappointing dating apps to identifying emotionally manipulative people, it feels like there’s always a negative surprise waiting around the corner. Trust me, I get it. That’s why I decided to create this series of things to look for and look out for–something that I wish I’d had when I was younger. Today, however, I won’t be talking about a red flag in a guy. Instead, I’ll be talking about his parents: specifically, accountability-free parents.
Please keep in mind that this is based on observation and personal experience and that it is not the advice of a professional. My hope in writing this post is that it will help people, especially young women, to identify unhealthy behaviors early in relationships and protect themselves from potentially toxic dynamics. With that being said, I will dive in what accountability-free parents are.
What are accountability-free parents?
Accountability-free parents are the ones who let their kids get away with murder. In their eyes, their son (for the sake of this post) can do no wrong. He hit another kid? The other kid deserved it. He lied to his girlfriend constantly? Everyone makes mistakes, and he probably felt that he had to. His teacher yelled at him? She’s obviously in the wrong.
It was actually teaching that truly helped me to notice this pattern. The children whose parents held them accountable, disciplined them, and told them to recognize the teacher’s authority were generally respectful, productive students. The ones whose parents berated teachers for enforcing pre-stated rules or expected special treatment for their kids were usually the ones going off task and not contributing.
It makes sense, right? It all ties back to nature vs nurture. Of course people are born with certain innate traits. Yet the things they learn from watching in peers and their parents? Those speak for themselves. If all you see growing up is someone making excuses for you and treating you like you’re a perfect little prince, you’re more likely to carry these beliefs into adulthood.
And beliefs morph into actions.
This entitlement, egotism, disconnect–whatever you want to call it–rears its ugly head especially in relationships. When your accountability-free parents tell you that you can do no wrong and don’t correct you when you mess up, you’re naturally going to expect this behavior from your partner.
Just think about it. Would you want a partner who doesn’t have a clear sense of right and wrong? Who doesn’t really think about how their actions affect others? Who will never be held accountable in his home?
No. Because could manifest in the following ways, with them:
- Avoiding taking responsibility for mistakes
- Shifting blame
- Lacking conflict resolution and communication skills
- Not understanding consequences
- Lashing out when you try to hold them accountable
- Only thinking of themselves
- Defaulting to what their parent says (“Well, my mom always says I’m right”)
- Not truly growing up, aka being a manchild
I’d also argue that it puts you at higher risk of ending up with in-laws that are difficult to deal with. With accountability-free parents, it’s always a bit dangerous because you can’t truly trust them to have your back. I’m not saying that someone can’t grow–they definitely can, and many do–but it’s a steep learning curve.
A case study
Unfortunately, I learned this lesson the hard way. Like so many young women, I made excuses (mainly, “well, that’s a little weird, but he really is a nice guy,” or “his parents definitely spoil him, but that doesn’t mean he’s entitled”) instead of listening to my gut. This isn’t to say that people don’t deserve the benefit of the doubt. However, you must look at these situations logically in order to protect your heart.
In this particular relationship, this boy was the prince of his family. Despite being in his 20s, his parents did everything for him. When I brought this up on one occasion and suggested that he do his own work to learn the skills, I got the following response:
“My mom wants to do it for me, so why should I?”
And then?
Flash forward three years. At this point, I’d gotten so used to all of the times his parents had backed him up for erroneous things that I’d grown almost numb to it. I’d been so worn down by him constantly making excuses and throwing it back on me that I didn’t even know which way was up anymore.
Then I received a shocker. He asked for a break because I asked if he would take accountability in a hypothetical situation. After three weeks of radio silence, he finally told me over text that he was ending it. He didn’t have the decency to talk to me face to face; instead, he delivered a letter with all of the lies he’d told me over the last three years.
When I think back on this relationship, this is what disturbs me the most–and why I want to help other women to recognize this behavior. These lies were about who he was as a person, and they were things that he know from the start that I was fundamentally against. There were also several lies that quite literally put me into physical danger.
The kicker?
His family lied to me about several of these things, too, to cover for him. And after more than three years together, he didn’t have the decency to tell me to my face, consider my need for closure, or think about anyone but himself. His reason was that he “didn’t want to deal with my reaction.”
What does this prove, yet again? That his accountability-free parents made him an accountability-free adult. And I, like so many other women, paid the consequences by wasting years of my life on him. Although I came away with many lessons learned and ultimately embarked on a much happier chapter shortly after, his enabled emotional immaturity certainly left its mark.
The comparison
Fortunately, I met my husband not long after, and he was the complete opposite. Even before I met his parents, I knew that he had grown up in a good household, where he was held accountable for what he did. This time, I knew what to look for. There were small things: apologizing when he messed up, acknowledging that he’d made a mistake, and considering something from someone else’s point of view. Then there were the big things, like his values, the idea that he wasn’t above anyone else, and his ability to communicate in a relationship.
When I first met his family, I already knew what I’d find. Beyond being wonderful, warm people, they were most certainly not accountability-free parents. They were quick to right wrongs, and it was clear from the first time that I met them that if he treated me badly, they would make him own up to it and fix it. Seeing and knowing this allowed me peace of mind from the beginning.
It’s exactly this difference that makes this red flag so important to watch out for.
A consideration
There will always be boys with amazing parents who turn out to be awful boyfriends, and boys with horrible parents who turn out to be amazing boyfriends. At the end of the day, you should know the person you’re with. Their willingness to learn, change, and support your relationship are also incredibly important. Everyone makes mistakes; it’s how they react that matters.
However, I will say that the possibility of dealing with a emotionally immature individual increases significantly if they have accountability-free parents. Thus, it’s important to watch out for it to avoid falling into negative patterns. You should feel safe and respected in your relationship. If any of this rings true with you, it may be time to step back and examine the situation to ensure that you are in the best possible place.
A final word
The dating world is difficult, and it can be hard to see red flags when you’re too close to them. If you notice that your partner shows some of these signs and that this fits into a larger pattern, don’t be too hard on yourself. What’s important is that you identify harmful patterns and act accordingly. If you want to check out some other signs that might indicate it’s time to part ways with your partner, feel free to check out my post here.
What other red flags have you noticed while dating? Feel free to comment them below!
