It’s never easy to consider whether or not a relationship should end. You put so much time, energy, and effort into it. You overcome hurdles and break down walls with the other person. In many ways, you share almost every aspect of your life with them–especially if this is a college relationship, one formed in some of the most fun and novel years of your life. However, not all relationships are meant to last, and sometimes there are signs that the relationship has run its course. Here are eight signs that your college relationship is over.
Disclaimer #1
All of these signs are patterns that I have noticed throughout literature on relationships as well as in my personal life and the lives of my friends. I am not a relationship therapist, and I am also not in the room with you and your significant other. There will always be some degree of subjectivity in relationships (except for in cases of abuse), and that’s something you have to consider for yourself.
Most of these signs are also based on patterns, not one-time occurrences. Ebbs and flows are natural. Constant misery is not. I.e., if you’re mad at your partner or feel like they aren’t trying during one particular argument, you shouldn’t quit. If you feel like this every time, it’s time to reconsider whether or not your college relationship is over.
Disclaimer #2
In this article, I reference one of my own college relationships. I want to preface the fact that this is not to dredge up bad memories or complain about someone. I use this experience because it gives an example of almost every one of these signs. For the majority of this relationship, I felt unhappy, and I didn’t fully understand why. I wish that someone could have explained some of these signs to me and saved me the heartbreak and frustration that happened because of his actions and my inability to finally say my college relationship is over, isn’t it? long before it was actually over.
If you take anything from this, I hope that you learn from my mistakes and find the courage to do what is right for you sooner than I did.
Sign #1 that your college relationship is over: You or your partner don’t try in the relationship anymore
Apathy is the silent killer. It doesn’t always happen at once, and it can grow slowly over time, but it will eat away at your relationship if both parties aren’t aware of it and working on it.
Every couple has problems. It’s only really a problem if one (or both) of you is not making a real effort. It is impossible for only one person to solve every problem. On top of that, it’s not right. Resentment will grow, as well as exhaustion. If you think this might be you, consider the last few conflicts you’ve had with your SO. Who has been taking the steps to reconcile?
My experience
I dated my ex for three years in college. We met when I was going into my sophomore year and he was going into his junior year. For the first year of the relationship, even though Covid struck, the relationship itself was good enough. It was my first really serious relationship, and because of this (like so many others), I stayed in it wayyyyyyy beyond when I should have.
The lack of effort hurt
For two out of three years, I was miserable, anxious, and irritable. Of course this wasn’t 100% his fault, and other things happening in my life and in the world affected it as well. However, I understood the depth of this once I was out of the relationship, as my mood, anxiety levels, and outlook changed significantly for the better.
One of the major problems, and the one that ultimately ended up leading to the end, was that I was the one who cared a lot more. I won’t say that he didn’t ever care, but he was much more focused on what suited him and his issues. This selfishness frustrated me, but what frustrated me more was the fact that I often felt like the only one who was trying to resolve issues, many of which were caused by him. What I didn’t realize was that his lack of care communicated that I was an option to him, not the equal that I saw myself as.
In my blind determination to make the relationship work, I did everything I could. Whenever there was a fight, I read books on relationships and conflict resolution. I googled these things for hours on end. I googled signs to see whether or not I was the problem and how to resolve conflict with someone who didn’t want to try. Which, looking back, is just sad. Even after not succeeding a million times before, I would try to facilitate conversations and hold case-worthy level dialogues with every conflict resolution method in the book. You know, because I can fix him and practice makes perfect.
This drained me immensely, and it will drain you.
After a year and a half of this pattern, he finally said he didn’t feel like being in a relationship anymore. Naturally, continuing the lack of consideration, he announced this right before my big job interview and during a difficult time for me. In the weeks following, I found out a lot about him that I never would have put up with if I’d known. Again, the signs had been there the whole time, primarily through his lack of effort, but I didn’t want to admit that I was being treated as an option to someone.
Even though I was incredibly hurt and mad at the time, especially after spending all that time trying to resolve conflicts and putting in the effort to hold the weight of two people on my back, I’m happy that someone finally ripped off the Band-aid. It should have been me. If I’d been more confident and assertive in my boundaries, I would have done it once I realized that things weren’t going to change because he wasn’t willing to change them. Learn from me and save yourself time. If both people don’t put in the effort, your college relationship is over. You deserve someone who will put in the effort.
Sign #2 that your college relationship is over: Your only justification is staying in because it is comfortable, familiar, or several years in progress
This happens more commonly than you might think. Humans are programmed to stick to things that are safe, familiar, and secure. This includes relationships.
It’s not necessarily that you don’t love the person anymore, although you might not. This feeling usually occurs in conjunction with other issues.
For example, in the relationship that I primarily reference in this article, I pretty much knew it was over and that some part of me wanted out for a while. However, I was scared of letting go and starting over. Not only had I spent three years with him by the end of the relationship, but those years had also been very formative years during college and a changing world. I was unhappy for many reasons–constantly feeling like I wasn’t prioritized, like I was being lied to, and like I was always being hurt, sometimes intentionally. Yet I still stayed.
We tell ourselves so many lies to avoid change.
Some of the primary reasons I gave to myself were these: We’ve been together for three years. Why throw that progress away only to start again? People are awful, especially in the world of online dating. Things can change. Sometimes they can. But often, if there is a recurring issue that deeply hurts you and you’re convincing yourself to stay in the relationship solely because you’re scared of starting over, it’s a sign to re-evaluate.
As I say in this article about college breakups, you will find your happily ever after. It might not look exactly like you imagined initially, but this pain might shape you to be more prepared for a greater love down the line. Sticking with something only for its familiarity, even if there are irreconcilable issues, won’t serve either of you and will only hold you back. Admit that your college relationship is over and open yourself (and them) to bigger and better things.
Sign #3 that your college relationship is over: You hold genuine resentment toward your partner
There are many reasons why you might resent your partner. Maybe they constantly talk over you, make you feel like a villain, don’t listen to you, or don’t treat you with respect. They might have wronged you once in the past, but often resentment comes up because of unresolved issues. The feeling of not being respected and listened to also contributes to this.
It’s one thing to be annoyed at your partner or to get irritated from time to time. All couples have certain issues that trigger them. If you feel resentful, however, that’s a different story. As I talk about below, it often signals that your partner is not meeting one of your core needs.
Resentment can often lead to contempt, which is, according to the Gottman Institute (one of the foremost relationship experts) one of the biggest indicators of a separation. Especially if you have talked about these issues before, it might be time to re-evaluate.
My experience
In the relationship I reference, I constantly felt as though I was not a priority and my feelings weren’t being heard. I would bring up an issue and suddenly he would be the victim. He’d say he would change, then no change materialized. When it came to other things (work, friends, family), he was willing to make changes and shift priorities. I got more frustrated and brought up the issue again, which made me feel like a nag. Again, he played the victim. While I later realized that this was gaslighting to a degree, I felt very resentful at the time.
Looking back, for most of the relationship, I genuinely disliked him in some ways because of how he treated me. If I had ended the relationship after feeling like this and asserting my boundaries more strongly, I would have had a much happier two years. If this is you, chances are good that your college relationship is over and that you just need to finalize it. It’s not fair to either person to continue like this. Just because it’s not all bad times doesn’t mean it’s healthy, and that’s important to remember.
Sign #4 that your college relationship is over: You cannot trust your partner
Trust looks like many different things to different people. It also encompasses a lot–faithfulness, communication, honesty, security, and support. It is everything that you should feel in a relationship. If you don’t trust them, your college relationship is over, and you might not have even noticed it.
It might be obvious that you don’t trust your partner. However, it might also not be super clear. As I mention below, it becomes especially difficult if you are in a relationship with a gaslighter or an abuser. However, in a healthy relationship, you shouldn’t be worried about what your partner is doing when you’re not there or whether or not they’re being honest with you.
You probably already know deep down
Often, I’ve found that you feel this at a subconscious level. In the relationship I mention, I felt a constant anxiety, that I couldn’t place my finger on. I understood to a degree that I couldn’t trust him, and I constantly worried about what he was doing when I wasn’t there and if he was lying to me.
This is not something I had felt in any other relationship, but he made me feel like I was the bad guy for doubting him. At the end, I found out that he’d been lying about core things from the very start, many of which went against my values and could have potentially caused danger to me or others.
Like I mentioned, I didn’t fully understand this at the time. All I knew was that I was very unhappy and couldn’t fully trust him. This was later proven right.
Obviously everything needs to be talked about before making dramatic decisions. However, trust your gut. It’s usually right, and if you see other signs or your friends universally confirm your thoughts and warn you, it’s time to start thinking about whether or not your college relationship is over.
Sign #5 that your college relationship is over: You cannot communicate/resolve conflict with them
Communication is one of the most critical factors for the success of a relationship. Almost any relationship expert will tell you this, and it makes sense. If you are going to do anything as a couple, you need to be able to talk to each other. When there’s a conflict, you need to find a way to understand each other.
This doesn’t mean that you won’t argue. It’s natural to have conflict in relationships. What’s important is that both of you make an effort to resolve it and maintain respect for each other. People aren’t perfect, and there will always be at least one thing you don’t see eye to eye on. Discomfort with conflict is natural as well. Many people avoid conflict as much as they can. However, you still need to find a way to talk to each other and understand the other person’s perspective, otherwise there will only be more stress, pain, and frustration in the long run.
If you have tried multiple times and can’t communicate with them, you should start thinking about what you want. This doesn’t mean to give up after the first fight or to call it quits without talking to them. This means critically analyzing your ability to communicate with each other after several attempts.
My experience
As I mentioned before, my ex loved to play the victim. When a difficult conversation would come up, he would play the victim. Whatever theatrics it took to make me uncomfortable enough to ease up, he would try. He hid behind the excuse of being conflict avoidant.
While many people definitely are conflict avoidant and this was a valid excuse to a degree, it needs to be fixed. There is conflict in life, and it needs to be resolved. I would try to adjust my approach. Often, he would still escape with things like “You know this is hard for me.” On top of this, he would hide things from me for months or years at a time because “he knew that I would get mad anyway.”
While there definitely were times that productive communication was held, there were also times when I understood that there was a lot of talking going on but not a lot of active listening. I tried to change this (again, only one side, so it was doomed from the start), but I should have realized the lack of effort regarding communication and the excuses weren’t going to change after such a long period of happening. If this is you, consider whether or not your college relationship is over or should be.
Some questions to ask yourself
Do you talk to each other and tell each other things? Do you ask for input from each other? When there’s a conflict, do you listen to each other? Do you or your partner even care what the other person is saying? How do you talk to each other? Is there respect and genuine effort on both sides? Do you work together to find a solution? Does your communication method work for you?
These are all important questions to ask. The bottom line is that if you can’t trust yourself and/or your partner to talk about things, resolve them adequately (not necessarily perfectly), and move on, there are some fundamental gaps that might not improve.
Sign #6 that your college relationship is over: Your partner doesn’t meet your needs or core values
This can look like many different things. Maybe marriage is a goal for you. A college relationship isn’t always focused on this, but if you’ve both graduated college, dated for years, and your partner doesn’t seem intent on settling down at any point, it might be time to have a conversation.
Similarly, maybe you have a need for quality time and your partner not only has little time to spend on you, but also spends that time on other things (i.e., video games, drinking, or friends). If you talk to them multiple times, yet they still refuse to accommodate to that (reasonable) need, it’s time to seriously think.
One thing here is that the needs have to be reasonable. Expecting your partner to be a romantic billionaire is not a reasonable need, and you can’t resent someone for not fitting into that fantasy. You also shouldn’t have expectations or needs that you yourself can’t offer or that can’t be changed. This might look like a certain monetary quotient, level of education, or physical appearance. Needs like the way you’re treated, quality time, relative security, or priority are absolutely reasonable.
Priority is incredibly important.
As you’ve noticed by now, I was miserable in this relationship. I saw myself as a villain–mostly because he would constantly cast me as such–and felt like I was asking for too much when I voiced my needs for things like time, priority, or desire. After two years, I wanted some priority in his life. I wanted to be treated like I was important enough where he would make time for me and consider my feelings in decisions he made. This was during the pandemic, so there were many compounding factors that would not only affect me and him, but both of our families as well.
He straight up told me I wasn’t a priority. Being young and naive, I assumed I just wasn’t a priority yet and he didn’t mean it. However, this created a ton of resentment, especially as he made certain decisions that not only disrespected me but also went against my basic relationship needs. It made me feel awful constantly, but instead of breaking up with him, I assumed it could be fixed and that I was part of the problem.
My advice to you here
What I would tell myself now is that you should believe it when someone tells you something like that. If they say you’re not a priority, that they won’t fulfill a need (time, attention, talking nicely to you, respecting certain beliefs or values, etc.), end it.
Of course it depends on your values as well–if they’re not a priority to you and you’re not a priority to them, and you’re fine with it, then that’s no cause for concern. If you’ve only been dating for a month and just met, of course you won’t expect them to consider you in every single decision. If it is more serious, however, and you constantly feel like your needs are not being respected, it is not worth the pain, and unfortunately, it likely won’t change.
The bottom line is that you should feel like an equal in your relationship.
If you don’t feel respected, like you are making decisions together, or like you’re not an equal, it’s time to end it. Obviously make your feelings clear first, but it isn’t worth the pain in the end.
Sign #7 that your college relationship is over: You don’t respect each other
If you can’t or don’t respect each other, your college relationship is over. This has been the underlying theme of most of these relationship red flags, but it also needs to be stated outright.
This bleeds into everything else. If you feel your partner is stupid and can’t be trusted to make decisions on their own, this ties back into trust and risks control issues. If you feel your partner doesn’t respect your religious or political views, it will be hard to be yourself in a relationship. It might not always be easy to pinpoint when you’re thinking about it, but it certainly is important.
This also applies to behaviors. Do they talk to you and treat you like they respect you? Do you do that for them? Additionally, do they listen to what you say and take your feelings into consideration? Do you know that they will consider you at the end of the day? Are your values similar enough OR respected between the two of you where you’re compatible?
My experience
In my relationship, the lack of respect went two ways, as I believe it does in many flailing relationships. I felt disrespected by his actions, and my resentment created my own lack of respect for him. This, along with some differences in values and behaviors, grew continuously and only worsened the state of the relationship. He could tell that I didn’t fully respect him, and I could tell the same. We became resentful of each other, and things kept souring.
It’s one thing to not like certain things about your partner. Maybe you don’t love their politics or the way that they’re loud in restaurants. If you don’t respect them, however, it’s hard to turn back from this. This gives itself to unhealthy power dynamics, further resentment, and overall frustration. Unfortunately, this is generally a sign that your college relationship is over.
Sign #8 that your college relationship is over: There is abuse
This one should be obvious, but unfortunately, it’s not always easy to tell when there is abuse. Especially in a college relationship, without a ton of previous relationship experience or a solid idea of what a healthy relationship feels like, it’s hard.
A lot of abuse, like gaslighting, can be subtle and difficult to see. Especially when you want to believe the best and continue the life you’ve made, it’s hard. Abuse can look like a few different things:
- Never being able to approach your partner out of fear of retaliation
- Not feeling secure in your relationship because you never know what is the truth and what isn’t
- Being physically hurt
- Constantly being blamed for every problem
- Being forced to rely on your partner
- Lovebombing
- Being invalidated constantly–“you’re crazy”
- Being isolated from everyone else by your partner
- Worrying about/actually being tracked by your partner (texts, calls, social media, location, etc)
- Feeling controlled by your partner
- Extreme jealousy
- Partner never taking blame/responsibility for any actions
- Partner has dramatic mood swings and it feels like you’re dating two different people
- Constantly facing verbal cruelty from your partner
More signs of abuse are found here. If you think you are in an abusive relationship, the domestic abuse hotline, which has information to help you identify abuse, is here.
A Final Word
This list is not exhaustive. Like I said before, relationships are subjective, and you know your heart and the other person’s heart best. What is most important is that you are in a space where you are healthy, respected, listened to, and sane. If you’re not, you’re going to get more and more drained the longer you stay. I firmly believe that most of us understand when our college relationship is over, but we refuse to admit it until we can’t deny it anymore. It’s human nature.
But you have the power. It might be hard and scary and devastating at first, but if you are in an unhealthy spot, you will thank yourself later for taking that first step. Don’t be like me and spend years being unhappy because you think things will change. Take life by the reins and forge your own future.
What was a sign that your college relationship was over? What helped you to heal from it? Let me know in the comments.
