Growing up comes with its share of challenges. That much is something that we can all agree on. However, there are so many things that nobody tells you about growing up. Ever. And you just have to figure it out by yourself.
Part of that is the fact that it’s part of the cycle of life and we all have different experiences. It would be naïve (and arrogant) to think that one person could give you a blueprint to living your life well and having the skills you need to succeed. However, there are certain pieces of advice that have seemed to be true for most of my friends and I as we’ve gone through our college and post-college years, and that’s what I’m aiming to share in this article.
Why I’m Writing This
I’m the kind of person who likes to read the last page of a book first, that way I know what I should brace myself for. Obviously, you can’t really live life like this. However, my solution was to let everything I heard about the future impact me and shape how I saw it.
When I was little, all anyone would tell me was to enjoy being a kid as much as I could. Then there was the overwhelming response that college held the best years of your life. That you should stay as long as possible. That you should enjoy every last second of it, because being an adult sucks.
For me, the reality of relatives growing older only compounded this. The messaging became even stronger—enjoy your life while you’re young, getting old sucks.
So what happened?
Naturally, I felt the pressure creep in and my mindset shift. You need to live while you’re young, because it’s only downhill after college. You work your life away, get shoved under a mountain of debt and bills, get old and achy, and die. It felt so black and white. Instead of gaining something by entering a new stage of life, it felt like I was solely losing my youth.
I felt as though I needed to cram as much as possible into my youth. I sought freedom and independence and choosing my own path. Other people I knew shirked responsibility and desperately clung to what remained of their childhood. Neither was the right way, but both were our attempts to fight the future we’d been told was inevitable.
That’s why I’m making this list. A lot of times, I felt alone in my feelings. It wasn’t necessarily that I felt inferior to others or like they had it figured out and I didn’t, but it was more that I was frustrated at myself for not knowing how to strike that balance. It took me a while to figure out that other people my age also felt the same way. While you can do what you want with this list, here are seven things nobody tells you about growing up.
Balance Is Probably Going to Be Difficult
Whether it is college or your first career, balance is going to be difficult. The nice part about high school is that everyone is on the same schedule, and it’s universally acknowledged. You’re expected to be a student first. Your 7:30-2:30 or 8:30-3:30 schedule is set in stone. Homework is consistent. Support systems are often built into place. If you have a job, they understand that you’re a student. While balance isn’t always easy in high school, there’s a lot more structure and support than there is later on. Things change in college and post-college, and so do you.
Think about it. We see all of these high school movies modelling ideas for us. Teen romances and dramas are their own genre. But what about college? Early 20s? The media doesn’t glorify that stage of youth in the same way, and it doesn’t always show the hard parts about that transition. It doesn’t often show someone struggling to adjust to new classes while working and also taking care of a relative. Instead, it just shows them partying or succeeding in life.
And this is what I had to learn in college.
It wasn’t necessarily the workload or the difficulty of the classes, but it was wearing so many hats at once. Because I went to school locally, I had family/friend/relationship/work obligations still. On top of that, I had multiple internships at a time and different areas of study. I had jobs, clubs, in-person work and virtual work, applications due. While it was all manageable, it was difficult to put my energy in so many directions. It isn’t like later on in your twenties, where you’re often able to hold just one 9-5 job. I had all this pressure (mostly that I put on myself) to succeed, and it got to me at times.
Of course, not everyone is like this. Some people take the easy (or fortunate, depending on your situation) way out of college and don’t work or do internships. For some, this balance won’t necessarily be difficult. But if you’re like me, it will certainly be present. While it is attainable, it’s difficult, and sometimes it comes with time. The solution here, as frustrating as it is, is patience with yourself and the knowledge that other people are struggling too, even if it doesn’t seem like it on the surface.
Everything Is Not Black and White
This is something that I still have to remind myself. It can be so frustrating and disheartening to be caught in the middle of everyone’s advice, which is why I like to add the caveat that this advice is informed by my own experience and might not apply to everyone. In my first few years of college, I heard so many conflicting things:
“College is the best time of your life.”
“College is where mental health problems will come out if you have them.”
“Everything is downhill after college.”
“Your twenties are going to be so much fun. They’re the last time that you’re really free.”
“Growing up sucks.”
“All you do in your twenties is work. You’ll blink and they’ll be gone.”
And my favorite two:
“Enjoy your life while you’re young.”
“Make sure to set everything up for yourself. Do you have a job yet?”
This one was asked to me by my ex-boyfriend’s father from the time we started dating, when I was 19 years old. No, I didn’t have a job for after college secured. I was halfway through my second year. But that didn’t make it any less stressful. Instead, all of these opinions made me feel like I needed to do everything at once. I needed to embrace my youth more than any of them had, find a career path and a job, have fun, work hard, etc. If I failed in any of those areas, I felt like I was failing at life.
It took me a long time to realize that things weren’t as black and white as people made them out to be.
Everybody’s advice had a bit of truth to it, but nobody’s was absolutely true. For me, this time was busy, and it wasn’t the peak of my life, but it had its fun parts. Like every other stage, it had its ups and downs. Things fell into place, although I did work to get them there, and I learned that everything is a mixture of what you can control and what you can’t. Instead of this clear black and white picture, it’s made up of shades of grey, and you need to figure out how to come to terms with that.
And, as a side note, if you don’t have a job lined up during your sophomore year, you’re fine. Take it from me.
Responsibility Is Actually So Important
This might be assumed for some people, but for others, it isn’t. Trust me. I taught and interacted with many freshmen in college, so I was able to see the difference between those who were successful and those who struggled. Generally, those who took responsibility, reached out to their resources, and understood that it was their prerogative to find success were the ones who did succeed. This ability to accept responsibility didn’t just translate through their schoolwork, but it also shone through their actions and attitude.
To illustrate, let me give you an example. I had some students who would exhaust all resources before asking me questions. In their emails, they would tell me exactly which sources they used, apologize in case they overlooked something, and prove to me that they had taken on the responsibility of research. Then, on the other hand, I had students who would send emails in text format, or worse, people who would ask me questions that were easily answerable by google.
Let me be the first to tell you: people know when you’ve put in effort. They know when you’ve taken responsibility for your own life. Make sure you’re showing that to them, because it will make a world of a difference in how you’re perceived. Additionally, responsibility helps you to gain confidence in yourself and your own abilities. Essentially, there are no downsides to it, and taking responsibility is a hallmark of growing up the right way.
Few People Really Know What They’re Doing
This was probably one of the scariest things for me to realize while growing up. As a kid, you have this perception that adults have it together. Think about how you practically considered parents or teachers as all-knowing experts as a kid. You’re constantly emulating them and thinking that they know what’s happening. It’s almost a safety net–one day, you’ll have it together, too. It’s part of growing up.
Spoiler alert: they don’t know what they’re doing. Nobody does. Some of us just fake it better than others.
Of course, you do learn things on the way, and you naturally improve. Consider learning to drive. At first it was kind of strange, exciting, and overwhelming, but you didn’t know what was happening. Then, you figured out how to put the right amount of pressure on the gas, make smooth turns, and brake on time. It was a process, and you gradually improved.
I don’t want to say that growing up is like riding a bike or learning to drive, but in a way, it is. You take in bits of information. You struggle with that. Eventually, you find the balance between realizing you’re not a kid anymore and that you’re not quite a full adult either. The more you talk to other people and dive beneath the surface, the more you realize that they don’t really have it figured out. They’re also trying to learn balance and how to treat people, and they have their own issues they’re working through. Even your 80 year old professors have personal growth to do, and it’s a scary (but also relieving) thought to have, but it’s necessary to learn. This leads me to my next point.
But Everyone Wants to Tell You What to Do
Again, I’m going to return to the example of my ex-boyfriend’s parents here. They didn’t have bad intentions, but some of the advice they gave was unwarranted. They would tell me all the time what I should be doing to find a job and which fields I should be looking in. At first, this stressed me out, but eventually I started to realize that it wasn’t worth trying so hard to impress them and earn their respect. It’s easy to say “oh, just ignore them,” but it’s a little bit harder to actually tune out all the noise. What helped me was analyzing the “source” the same way I teach my students to. Are they an expert on the subject? If they’re advising you on jobs and such, when was the last time they applied for a job, interviewed someone, or had a position high in that specific field? This is what I considered, and suddenly, it became a lot easier to ignore them.
That, and the fact that my ex-boyfriend’s father told me that “at least I’d have a job of my own if [his son] and I broke up.” I wish I was kidding, but I’m not. Something like that helped to shatter any credibility he might have previously had. This might sound like a more extreme example, but it proves the point that “adults” really don’t know everything, and they’re only speaking from their own viewpoints. This isn’t to say that all of their advice isn’t well intentioned or valid in some cases, but it’s an example of why you should feel okay with nitpicking it.
So, while people might give you great advice, make sure that you take everything with a grain of salt and consider how valid it really is.
You’ll Probably Be Lonely at Times
If you’re like me, you probably imagined your college years and early 20s being like an episode of Friends or Community. Not necessarily in the sitcom way, but in the sense that you’ll have a group and it’s ridiculously easy to make friends. For me, this wasn’t the case. That isn’t to say that I didn’t have friends or enjoy going out with people, but it simply wasn’t what I expected.
The harsh truth is that everyone is finding their own path in college and their early 20s. With growing up comes growing pains. While you’re in college, your friends will probably be trying to find their own groups as well, whether that’s major-related clubs, professional societies, or club sports. Friends will study abroad, do research projects, and have all these experiences that you might not be able to share in. You obviously have your own journey and projects, but the FOMO is real. On top of that, you’re usually not all in the same city all year round, which can increase that feeling of loneliness.
Whether it’s simple loneliness, imposter syndrome, feeling lost in life, or comparing yourself to others, all of us feel this at times. If you don’t have an incredibly tight group that does everything together, don’t beat yourself up. You’re not alone in not having it. Again, this is something that nobody tells you, but it’s true. While there’s no easy fix for this, the thought that others are going through it too is often reassuring in and of itself.
It’s Crucial to Create a Routine
This is actually something that I realized recently. Routines, while they can be stifling, provide a wonderful sense of structure. This becomes more important while growing up, especially after you graduate. Whether this is one thing you do monthly, weekly, or daily, it helps to provide you with something to look forward to. A lot of times, things can feel overwhelming without that one thing to anchor you down. However, if you know that you’re going to get dinner with a friend every Wednesday night or go to a class at the gym every Tuesday and Thursday, your life suddenly feels more manageable. Again, it is so easy to feel lost and like you’re just drifting along during this stage of life, and that’s why it helps to take control where you can.
This applies for daily routines, too. Some of the most successful people I knew in college were the ones who were able to plan their days out. Personally, I’m not one of those people who plans their day to the minute, but I still follow my routines. This is helpful because it gives you a sense of security and some accountability. You know what you need to do and when, and once that’s done, there’s relief. It isn’t like you’re allowing you work-life balance to get all messed up; you’re using the routines to set boundaries for yourself. If you want tips on how to streamline routines, check out my article about easy organization methods.
Again, routines are super useful to give yourself incentives, security, and ease in life. They also help with our first piece of advice about growing up–balance! At the end of the day, that’s what we all strive for, and this is one way to get there.
A Final Word
Like I mentioned at the beginning, everyone’s journey is different while they’re growing up. Some of these pieces of advice might be completely obvious to you. However, in my own journey, these were the things that I wish I had been told, and they’re what I want to save someone else the trouble of figuring out on their own. Is there anything else that you’ve learned that you wish someone would have told you? Let me know in the comments!
