Unless you’re some kind of saint or professional pacifist, it’s likely that you’ll come across a conflict during college. It’s human nature, and it’s incredibly frustrating, especially if you’ve never had to deal with something like this before. Unfortunately, conflict resolution is a critical skill that so many people lack–mostly because they’ve never been taught it! Here, we have 15 college conflict resolution tips to help you in whatever situation you’re in.
College Conflict Resolution Tip #1: Get Air
When you first encounter a conflict, it can be tempting to either flight or flee. The correct response is to do neither of these. Instead, you should simply take a step back. If the other person involved is a partner, a roommate, or someone you work with, find a way to get as much space from them as possible. If you can remove yourself from the situation, even if it’s just sitting in your car or in a coffee shop for a few hours, do that.
This serves a few purposes. First, it gives you some space to calm down. You don’t have to look the other person (who’s likely pissing you off right now) in the face. You can take some time to do whatever it is that you need to do to feel better.
Second, it gives you a bit of time to process. After stepping away from the situation, you’re able to see things a bit more clearly. You can go over what happened and make a plan for the future.
Additionally, this gives the other party time to do the same thing. Sometimes, all you need to really resolve a conflict is a bit of space for each person to reflect. Even if this isn’t the case, it won’t hurt to take that time apart.
College Conflict Resolution Tip #2: Don’t Do Anything Stupid
This one shouldn’t have to be said, but it must be.
When you get mad, you don’t always think with the logical part of your brain. If you’re someone whose brain hasn’t finished forming (i.e., a college student), and especially if you’re a guy, this is especially true. You start thinking with the emotional part of your brain and stop filtering out the illogical things to do. Especially when combined with substance use, this can lead to objectively bad consequences.
Beyond being a danger to yourself and others, you risk messing up your future. If you do something illegal, you are an adult and there’s a good chance you’ll be caught because of the sheer amount of surveillance cameras out there. Keying cars, vandalism, theft, harassment…whatever it is, it’s better to steer way clear of this, no matter how tempting it is. When you’re pissed, you have to think about what you’ll think of your actions in 24 hours, a week, and a year. What will the short and long term consequences be? Is it worth it? Chances are that it won’t be.
You’ve probably heard this from your parents or someone else before. It’s an annoying reminder. But they have a point with this one.
College Conflict Resolution Tip #3: Always Be Honest and Direct (But Still Kind!)
Many of us are resistant to conflict. We hate bringing difficult topics up, even when they need to be discussed. This leads to passive-aggressive behavior, resentment, continued problems, and more miscommunication. In almost every case, if not all cases, it is much better to be straightforward, honest, and compassionate.
The way that I like to look at this is by giving the example of rejecting someone. Think of a time in high school when you tried to “let someone down easy.” While this is very well-intentioned and aimed at sparing the other person’s behavior, it often creates more of a mess. Chances are good that they didn’t get the indirect hint (especially if they were a boy). Then, you had to resort to other methods.
Maybe you brought in a friend to try to get the message across, or maybe you kept trying to kindly (but indirectly) tell them. Finally, after it being dragged out, the other person finally got the hint. At this point, there’s much more frustration, hurt, anger, and other negative feelings, and there’s the chance of others being involved.
Much of college conflict resolution is the same way. The majority of us don’t want to hurt people, so we try to avoid it, even when hard conversations need to be held. Because of this, it’s important to make it clear that things are coming from a good place, but to still be straightforward with the other person. If you need to, make it clear that you’re only doing it because you care about your relationship and don’t want anything misconstrued. Just make sure that you have those difficult conversations yourself and that you do them right.
College Conflict Resolution Tip #4: Don’t Try to Change People
Like in relationships and breakups, you can’t expect to change people. Even if you’re in a conflict with someone who insists that the earth is flat and some humans are secretly lizard people, the chance that you’re going to change their mind is extremely slim. It sucks sometimes, but the expression “you can’t fix stupid” exists for a reason. Often, it’s pointless to try to argue with someone over a core belief OR something beyond reason. There’s a big difference between these two options, and while you should still be respectful of everyone regardless of the situation, you should know when to leave it.
Even when a conflict arises over something that isn’t super illogical or out there, you should keep this in mind. It is rarely ever productive to argue with someone over their beliefs or values. Just as you probably aren’t about to change your core beliefs or values, other people tend to stick to their ideas. If you try to change them or convince them that your way is the right way, you’ll likely only frustrate yourself, worsen the conflict, and waste time. Know when to fight and when to walk away. Whenever possible, focus on behaviors, actions, objective facts, and situations. Save your energy!
College Conflict Resolution Tip #5: Focus on Things That Can Be Changed
Continuing off of this idea of focusing on objective facts, try to put your energy on things that can be changed. Beliefs and values aren’t likely to be changed. If there’s some external factor (financial situation, law, state of being, etc.) that isn’t likely to change in the near future, that’s not going to help you either. The main things that might change include behaviors, actions, and communication. How you or the other person react to a situation can certainly be changed. Your method of communication also can change. Common behaviors or habits can be modified. These are all fair game.
Sometimes, it can be hard to look at what can or will change versus what should change. Especially when you’re emotional or heated, you look at the world through your own point of view. This isn’t always a bad thing, necessarily, but it also isn’t productive when it comes to fixing your problem. Keep that energy on what is fixable, that way you don’t waste your time or cause more (unnecessary) frustration.
College Conflict Resolution Tip #6: Don’t Use Blaming Language
You’ve probably heard this one before. When you’re in a conflict and you’re pissed, it can be hard to not use blaming language. Especially if the other person did something they deserve to be blamed for, it’s infuriating!
However, it’s not productive, and it will likely only make them more resistant if you tell them something like “This is your fault because…” or “If you hadn’t done this…”. Many experts recommend rephrasing these thoughts with “I feel” statements. You can read more about “I feel” statements here, but the premise is that you rephrase your criticism or frustration to avoid blaming the other person.
Instead, you focus on your feelings and try to communicate that way. For example, if your roommate is constantly coming back at 3 am and is waking you up, you might say something like “I feel stressed when you don’t come back at a decent hour” or “I feel concerned about our mutual sleep schedules.”
It’s hard. I won’t lie. Especially when someone is doing something incredibly inconsiderate or illogical, it’s not easy to jump here. If you want to move the conflict resolution process along, however, sometimes it is necessary.
College Conflict Resolution Tip #7: Don’t Be Overly Emotional
You’re probably sensing a theme here. When it comes to conflict resolution, your emotions generally will hurt you more than they’ll help you. Just think about how you are when someone comes to you and is hysterical or screaming about something. Chances are pretty good that you’re a bit less likely to listen, whether that’s because you’re on the defensive or because you feel like they can’t regulate themselves. The same is true when the shoe is on the other foot.
Even if it kills you, don’t be overly aggressive, scream, cry for attention, or do anything to take away from the issue itself. While you can most certainly speak firmly or assertively, ensure that you are calm. Don’t let anyone have a reason to dismiss you.
College Conflict Resolution Tip #8: Actually Listen
Often, when we encounter conflict or become frustrated, we don’t listen. Even when we’re not upset, we as the human race are generally pretty bad listeners. In conflict, it becomes even more important to listen and to listen well. If you expect the other person to listen to you, you need to listen to them. It helps to rephrase what they say to you–i.e., “I’m hearing you say that ____, and _____.” Phrasing it back not only forces you to listen, but it also reassures them that they are being heard.
College Conflict Resolution Tip #9: Consider Their Point of View
It’s a little pointless to go about conflict resolution if you’re not willing to consider the other person’s perspective. How else will you look at the big picture?
The entire purpose of conflict resolution is to work together to find a solution. As difficult as it might be, take a moment to put your own perspective out of your mind. Step into the other person’s shoes not only allows you to consider new possibilities for a solution, but it also shows the other person that you are genuinely willing to work with them. Finally, it helps you to prevent yourself from looking too stubborn or stupid, especially if there’s something that you might have missed. Overall, it’s just a good way to help the resolution happen faster.
College Conflict Resolution Tip #10: Frame It to Benefit Both of You
AKA Look for Common Interests
If you’re only looking out for yourself, people aren’t going to listen. The other person (or people) needs to see why they should agree with you. They need to understand that their interests are being considered too.
To do this, you need to look for common interests and/or frame it in a way that benefits both of you. Here, it helps to be solution-oriented, not just argue for the sake of arguing. What outcomes would help both of you? What would be a win-win or less of a win-lose? Are you willing to compromise on anything?
By asking these questions before and figuring out what might appeal to them, even if it kills you to say it, you’ll be able to facilitate a much more effective dialogue.
College Conflict Resolution Tip #11: Speak in a Neutral Location
If you talk in a location where either of you feel more comfortable, secure, or “in charge,” the power balance is going to be off. If you speak at your apartment or office, the other person will immediately feel like they’re on the defensive. On the other hand, if you’re on their turf, you’ll feel like they have the upper hand. It’s a bit more complicated if you’re roommates or in a fight with someone with whom you share space, as both of you likely feel some emotional tie to your shared space.
Regardless, it helps if you meet somewhere neutral and relatively private*. Maybe this is a coffee shop, a park, the parking lot of your work, or a store. It shouldn’t be somewhere that either of you frequent constantly and have an emotional connection to. It also should be private in the sense that the two of you can talk without other involved parties overhearing. However, it helps to meet in public, as you’re less likely to have an emotional outburst if you know that other people are listening and watching.
Consider this strategically as you move into the active resolution stage. Remember that you want all aspects to be conducive to a solution.
College Conflict Resolution Tip #12: Always Focus on the Facts
Following some of the earlier tips, it doesn’t always help to focus on the things that make you mad. While it does help to use “I feel” statements and avoid blaming language, you shouldn’t focus entirely on feelings. Remember that you’re this invested in this situation for a reason. What were the facts? What happened? Finally, what can be changed?
Obviously you shouldn’t go about this in a cold manner, but it helps to avoid the “he said/she said” and to focus on the things that can be verified. This solidifies your position and also helps both you and the other person to focus on what is important. It helps to make a list of things that happened before you meet with someone. Remember to be as objective as possible! Conflicts always have two (or more) people in them. This isn’t about throwing blame onto the other person. It is about creating a case and a picture of the situation for both of you to evaluate in order to create a solution or reach an agreement.
College Conflict Resolution Tip #13: Find a Mediator if Necessary
Sometimes it helps to have a neutral party involved in conflict resolution. The key word here is neutral. It will not be productive to involve a third roommate, another employee, or someone who is not fit. A good mediator would have some of the following traits:
- No preference for either party
- Not involved/does not have a stake in the argument
- Comfortable with the idea of mediating
- Not at a power deficit (i.e., you’re fighting with your manager and your proposed mediator is an employee at your level)
- Logical and clear thinking
- Solution-oriented
- Empathetic
- Eloquent
- Someone who has worked with people before
- Relevant to the situation in some way
Basically, you don’t want to pull in someone random like your Uber Eats guy or someone too close to the situation like your significant other or sibling. Consider this before you propose someone to the other person, or work with them to find someone to mediate for you.
College Conflict Resolution Tip #14: Make a Written Contract
To set clear terms and prevent another misunderstanding or problem in the future, it helps to write and sign a written contract. RAs will sometimes make you do this with your roommates when you move into a dorm. If you haven’t done it, it looks similar to a class contract of expectations. Essentially, you work with your roommate(s) to write down the rules and expectations you have for each other. You then sign it and adhere to it throughout the year.
While it’s good to set clear expectations from the outset to avoid conflict, it doesn’t always work. If you’re reading this article, you’re probably beyond that point. That’s when it helps to bring preventive measures into your conflict resolution. By creating a written contract that both of you agree to, you will have a sense of accountability, a procedure to follow, consequences, and something concrete to go back to. If you ever need to bring in another person, this also decreases the amount of “he said, she said” going on.
It sucks to have to do this after the fact, but if creating a written contract helps to ease tensions right now and prevent them in the future, it’s absolutely worth it. While these agreements aren’t necessarily legally binding like a housing contract, they are still useful. Here’s an article about creating one and a template that you can use if yours is a roommate issue.
College Conflict Resolution Tip #15: Involve Campus Admin If It’s Too Severe
Sometimes, it’s not enough to try to resolve your conflict by yourself or with low-level mediation. Especially if there’s a situation with potential legal issues or danger to you, you want to make sure to involve the right people on campus. Because of this, it’s important to figure out what resources are available to you. For example, have you ever talked to an RA or another advisor in your dorm/apartment? Do you know your Title IX officer? Have you visited your Student Support Center or checked out any campus mediation services?
This isn’t always easy to do, but sometimes it can be necessary. Especially if you think that this situation might impact you in the long term, be sure to find your resources sooner rather than later. Your RA, university website, student support locations, and advisors are all good resources to contact when you need help.
A Final Word
College is a time when you need to learn how to do things for yourself, and that includes resolving conflict. It’s not easy, it’s not fun, and it’s not always clean, but it is a necessary skillset to gain, especially as you move into the adult world. Above all, you need to remember to be true to yourself, fair, empathetic, and logical as you move about resolving the situation. Have you ever faced a difficult situation in college? What did you do to resolve it? Let me know in the comments.
